Life upsidedown... by Chelsea Marie

New Year Resolution? Die.. and JOY!

2012-01-15T14:28:00.000-08:00

“20 Now among those who went up to worship at the feast were some Greeks. 21 So these came to Philip, who was from Bethsaida in Galilee, and asked him, “Sir, we wish to see Jesus.” 22 Philip went and told Andrew; Andrew and Philip went and told Jesus. 23 And Jesus answered them, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. 24 Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. 25 Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. 26 If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him.” John 12: 20 – 26

I am an aging flower,
Time shifts my petals down,
Gravity creeps up my wilting tower,
Winter anoints me with the Surrender Crown.
My most Precious Seed, it falls,
Towards a lonely tomb,
'Goodbye heart,' Death calls,
As my Dream Seed leaves me an empty room.
I am a dead flower,
But a warm wind whispers such,
That Evil Death begins to cower,
And Spring reveals her healing touch.
I am a resurrected flower,
More alive for dying,
Victorious fruit welcomes a New Shower,
Sweet life is now my joyful crying!

This morning.. a weight of sadness lingered even after a chance to finally rest and sleep in. Thoughts regarding people and situations floated through my foggy consciousness more like prayers than anything else. Here I am again, at the end of myself.. almost toppling at the edge. I read a parable this morning about birds. In the beginning they were wingless. One day God laid wings before them and told the wingless birds they must carry these wings. At first they were hesitant. But they did obey and take up the burdensome wings. They were heavy and difficult to adjust to, but over time the wings fused to their bodies and one day they learned how to use them to fly. A freedom they had never imagined was only possible by being obedient to take up the burden of wings, which they didn’t understand of course. I don’t understand, Lord. Why here? Why this? Why these? As I was reading through John this morning, my heart was caught by these familiar verses that had inspired a poem some time ago. I wrote that poem because of a love that you were calling me to let die. With it died dreams and hopes tied to that love. But this morning as I was reading, I was convicted that there was so much more that is supposed to die in me. That was just a piece. I have been convicted by my need to control my environment. Oh God, forgive me. You are my Lord. You were obedient unto the cross, how much more should I be willing to die. Holy Spirit, I think I have been afraid to receive from you. Afraid of the hard thing you were going to tell me. There is not much harder than death. But it is for the joy set before me… and that joy is YOU, Lord. Please help me fix my gaze on you. Anchor my soul and fuse the burdensome wings to my body that as I am falling off this precipice that is the end of me, I might learn how to fly into greater freedom in you.

I am awake.

2011-09-10T13:23:00.000-07:00

“Charles Wallace looked up at the strange dark face which was stern and gentle at the same time. ‘It’s too good to be true. I think I must be having a dream. I wish I’d just go on dreaming and not wake up.’
’What is real?’ The Teacher stretched out an arm, and gently touched the bruise on Charles Wallace’s cheek, the puffed and discolored flesh under his eye. ‘You are awake.’”

-- Madeleine L’Engle A Wind in the Door

I am often amazed and a little bit impressed by my ability to hold conflicting experiences/emotions inside of me simultaneously. Such as confusion and peace, or even sorrow and joy. Mostly, this is because God has become a bridge inside of me that allows me to cross easily between these conflicting but true emotions in the light of His eternal perspective. It used to be, and sometimes still is, because I compartmentalized.

I pull that shoebox out of my mind closest labeled, ‘Goodbyes.’ I carefully remove the lid and, as I skim through the portraits of my minds eye, I am assaulted by one hundred tearless farewells. Tearless, because the tears are caught somewhere deep inside of me. The emotion is overwhelming and I stuff the portraits back into the shoebox. I slam the lid back in place and stuff the shoebox of ‘Goodbyes’ back into my mind closet. Time to find a happier shoebox.

But God shows up in my closet and gently but methodically begins to open all of my boxes and dump the contents into a pile on the floor in front of me.

Some years ago I was impacted by the idea of a two-story home verses a one-story home. People compartmentalize. It is a coping mechanism. Some do it better or worse than others. I was pretty good at it and because coping mechanisms are hard to let go of (may they be good or bad) I still revert at times to my compartmentalizing ways.

But the idea is this: as Christians, we too often wrongly live in a two-story home instead of the one-story home that God designed for us. In the two-story home, the upper level of the house is for the spiritual or sacred. The first level is for the rest of life or, simpler put, secular living. It is the age-old issue of Sunday Christianity but it goes so much deeper than that. The one-story home does not separate the secular from the sacred. They are simultaneously in the same room.

So who I am in Church should be no different from whom I am in work. Well, what is Church? Let’s translate that to Old Testament language and call it ‘Temple.’ In Mark eleven, Jesus triumphantly enters Jerusalem and He goes into the Temple. Mark records that He looks around at everything but it was late so he left for the night. What was He looking at? What was He thinking? A clue might be in what happens the next day, He shows up at the Temple and makes a huge scene where He chases the money-changers out and tells the people, ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer for all the nations.’

I can only imagine Jesus’ frustration with the way that the Temple, the worship place of God, was being treated. Rewind to chapter two where Jesus declares himself the Lord of the Sabbath. Our need for Sabbath restoration and rest (the eternal soul kind of rest) is ultimately met in Jesus. Now skip to the end of the book and we arrive at the crucifixion of Jesus as the perfect Lamb, the perfect sacrifice to pay the debts of man and make it possible for us, in Him, to enter freely the presence of God, where once only the High Priest could enter.

In another place, it is recorded that the curtain separating the Holy of Holies was actually ripped in two when Jesus died. Now, our very bodies are the Temple of a living breathing God. The Holy of Holies is actually INSIDE of us.

But I let in money-changers into my body/temple who distort and pervert the place where God dwells. Compartmentalizing is my own way of controlling things that I do not understand. Neatly organizing away and ignoring emotions that seem senseless or painful.

God and I stand together looking at the mess of shoebox contents piled on my mind closet floor. I stare at it despairingly but God kneels down and taking my hand, He pulls me down next to Him. “Let’s sort through this pile together, Chelsea. Some of these things are not meant to stay inside of this closet.” I nod glumly. There isn’t room to sort through everything in my mind closet anyway. So, we push, carry, drag it into the living-room. As we sort, some of it painful, some of it sweet, I discover, together with God, that there are some real treasures tucked away in this pile. In the light of the living-room and God’s presence, I am seeing certain situations with a new perspective. Bitter-sweet. A bitter goodbye becomes sweet in the knowledge of how that very goodbye propelled me into new friendships and deeper trust in my best friend, Jesus.

Am I awake? What is real? Sorrow and Joy. Dreams and bruises. I am awake.

2011-07-14T13:47:00.000-07:00

"This number can not reached at this time. Please try again later." Spoke the woman's voice with a clear Ugandan accent. The phone had disconnected just as I was praying a goodnight prayer over my sister who is in Uganda. She had just finished tucking herself into her mosquito net. "Okay, Chels, you can go ahead and pray." I began my prayer with Psalm 3 "I lay down and slept; I awoke again, for the Lord sustained me." As I was saying the words the phone went dead. We had talked for over an hour. The longest amount of time we have talked since she left for Uganda. Unfinished conversations, no goodbye, no story resolution.. I kind of despise them all. Maybe that is too strong to say, 'despise.'But that is how I feel. I comfort myself with the knowledge that just because she didn't hear the rest of the prayer does not mean God won't answer. The most important One heard it all and He IS watching over her as she sleeps. Kind of nice to know that heaven stands guard outside your mosquito net, eh?

Felicitaciones to Desire and Miguel!

2011-07-09T12:48:00.001-07:00

Sweet summer...

2011-07-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

A good (and much missed friend - you know who you are) was wondering the other day why I haven't updated my blog in such a long time. The reasons are complex. Or actually, not complex. Just many. My personal barriers to blogging have been: lack of time; no desire to blog about the things that I can blog about; people privacy constraints on the things I want to blog about; and I think that is the end of my list. Hmm.. it felt much bigger in my head. I am so silly. I too easily make things too big by leaving them trapped in my mind. Putting them on paper or into this little text box makes things so simple.

Okay. So the thing that I would blog about if I could blog about it? It is something Jesus has been teaching me about dying to myself. In little and big ways I am learning to surrender again and again my agenda, my schedule, my wants, my desires, even my needs. And not in a self-righteous way of 'oh, this is the right thing to do so I am going to do it.' Nope, nothing like that. I haven't been LOOKING for the RIGHT things to do. It has just been happening to me. And in the moment I have to pray for God to change my heart because He planted my body in a situation where I have to choose between selfishness or sacrifice.

A good example of this is from a couple of weeks ago. I drove home really late after dropping a friend off at the airport and quietly walked up my stairs so that I wouldn't disturb my roommates. I was the kind of tired where everywhere you look you can't help but imagine yourself sleeping there. On the couch, the floor, the back of your car.. it all looks soooo comfy. Then you know you are tired. As I enter my room I see that my bed is occupied. A good friend who had apparently had a bad night was sprawled across my bed. I picked up a pile of tissues, sighing inside of myself as I quietly prayed about my response. And, really, it was easy in some sense, because of how much I love my friend. The hard part was this thing inside of me that wanted to say, "really? I am so tired and so done with caring about anything right now, much less a person." I stood looking at my tired self in the mirror and simply said, "ok God. My times are really in your hands. What next?"

And just like that, my heart changed. I laid down next to my friend and put my hand on her back and started praying for her. She didn't even know because she was still asleep. I fell asleep praying.

I am learning that I don't have all the answers, I don't always respond well (especially in my heart) in the moment, I often miss what God is doing behind the scenes, and have a lot more of self that needs to die. But even in the midst of my battle with 'self' God is merciful every single morning. And in the midst of my brokenness He is positioning other people to teach me how to daily die to myself so that.. and here is the cool thing- It is not just a dying for the simple sake of dying. NO. Jesus died so THAT HE MIGHT RISE FROM THE GRAVE AND DEFEAT DEATH. As I am learning to die to myself, I am also learning how to rise into the hope of all I have in Jesus!

Paul says some weird stuff in Philippians 3 ".. I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ, and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith - that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead."

I think that Paul guy was really onto something here. The dying part is important but it is what we get in the bargain that is the MOST important. I still don't completely get it. But I can honestly say, the more I die to myself, the nearer Jesus feels, and the sweeter life keeps getting.
'

2011-05-15T07:40:00.000-07:00

Kyrsten and I (thanks to the amazing generosity of our beautiful friend, Sela) went to a Brook Fraser concert this last week. It wasn't a worship event but my heart could not help but worship. The lyrics were packed with scripture and hope. This morning I found myself thinking about the words to this song and I am encouraged.

"C.S. Lewis Song"

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

[CHORUS:]
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE:]
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming

2011-05-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

The colored sunsets and starry heavens, the beautiful mountains and the shining seas, the fragrant woods and painted flowers, are not half so beautiful as a soul that is serving Jesus out of love, in the wear and tear of common, unpoetic life.
--Faber

The Wedding Planner

2011-05-09T11:19:00.000-07:00

"He took Peter and John and James, and went up into a mountain to pray, and as he prayed, the fashion of his countenance was altered, and his raiment was white and glistering . . . they saw his glory" (Luke 9:29, 32).

"If we do not get back to visions, peeps into heaven, consciousness of the higher glory and the larger life, we shall lose our religion; our altar will become a bare stone, unblessed by visitant from Heaven." Here is the world's need today--men who have seen their Lord. -- Dr. Joseph Parker, The Lost Art of Meditation

I miss home. Mom, Dad, fewer responsibilities and lots of fresh fruit kind of home. But missing that home makes missing my other home all the more keenly.

I think about that home often. And it is not a morbid thinking. It is glorious thinking. Oh how I do love a good adventure. And I can't think of a more captivating adventure than a heavenly one.

But "don't be so heavenly minded that you are no earthly good," they say. I too easily lean towards either extreme. It is silly to dwell on what I do not know. Stick with what I do know. Love God. Love people. Do your work with Joy and give God all the glory. Oh but THIS, all of it. It is but a shadow. Someday, I will stand before Jesus, and say, 'I had no idea it would be like this.. this good.' Why muck around in all my sin and everyone els' when eternal perfection is waiting for me?

Surely there is some middle ground.

Yesterday in church I got to thinking about brides. When a bride enters the room. Everyone stands and looks in awe on this perfect and glorious creature. In this moment, regardless of who she was before, she is pure and lovelier than anyone else in the room. But something had to happen for her to become BRIDE. Someone had to choose her. Marry her.

Jesus calls the church His Bride. We have been married to Him. We are dressed, right now, in awesome and glorious perfection. We are beautiful. Right now. And a day is coming, scripture tells us, when we are going to have a great wedding feast. The best wedding reception that was ever thrown. It is going to be the party of the ages. I am going to be at that party. I know it. And I look forward to it, with joy and anticipation.

But I must not skip this important part of the wedding story. Good old down to earth, wedding preparations. Now, I have never been that girl who has her wedding all planned out. I have no idea what my colors will be, or whether my cake with be chocolate or red velvet. Hopefully someday I will get to make some of those fun little decisions. But let me let you in on a little secret. I already am Bride. Shocker, I know. But it is oh so wonderfully true. Because Jesus chose me, I am pure and lovely.

And while I have not been a bride in the other sense, as a veteran bridesmaid, I know a thing or two about planning a wedding. Even a simple affair takes a lot of work.

But it is a good work. A fun work.

And so. I am looking forward to the best wedding reception ever. But I am supposed to be here with the awesome joy of helping beautify and prepare Brides for their Weddings.

I think my new nickname for the Holy Spirit might just be The Wedding Planner. What good fun to be His assistant. The Wedding Planner's assistant, I like the sound of that.

Slam that truth..

2011-04-19T20:53:00.000-07:00

I have been in a poetic mood for a few weeks now. I enjoy spilling words into semi poem form... but mostly, I enjoy reading other poems. I often find that someone else is able to put into words (in a much nicer format) the very thing my mind or heart is wrestling to communicate. This was introduced to me tonight and I wasn't snapping my fingers.. but I was encouraged.. and surprised that someone wrote a poem for me. Just kidding. But not really. If you haven't experienced slam poetry before.. be ready to be amazed.

Check out the link:

http://theresurgence.com/2011/04/06/a-poem-for-all-single-people-pass-it-on?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TheResurgence+%28The+Resurgence%29

Spring inspired poetry...

2011-04-18T08:33:00.000-07:00

Untitled

i feel like i feel.
dream world is my real world.
pinch me but i won't wake up;
hold me but i'm not running away.
what is happy?
what is love?
what is sunshine?
call me dove.
i am a flying soul,
inside this skin of skin,
my feet perch above the ground and tap out
love love love,
romantic kissy face love.
but i laugh, rolling head backwards laughter.
you misunderstand.
i am not making love to a man,
not even the idea of a man.
i am captured, captivated by the GOD MAN.
call me spiritual,
call me heathen,
just this i know,
jesus is all i know.
and life with him is like a rainbow in a missouri storm,
wild wonderful ride to the true pot of gold.

Heaven is for real.. Walmart says so.

2011-04-04T11:24:00.000-07:00

Picnic this weekend in the park with my sisters

Disclaimer: I am really blogging to myself, aka journaling/processing through thinking about heaven. But because I am so encouraged, I thought I would share my ramblings.

Last week I was driving to work and cruising my way through the usual early rush hour traffic when my front right tire exploded. At 65 miles per hour, in an old college car with maybe 1 year of life left, this is one experience I don't recommend. A loud pop and then a strangely audible hiss gave me a mili-second of warning before my entire car began to shudder and shake. I gripped the wheel, half expecting my car to fall apart right there on the highway. Fortunately, the tire explosion occurred at my exit and I was able to shake my way to a safer crawl. Parking in the nearest open lot, I made a brisk 10 minute walk to work.

There was a time when something like this would have really stressed me out. I was so relieved that both my body and my car's body had survived the ordeal that as I walked, I couldn't help but chuckle to myself, 'ah, such is life.' My sister was in the area after I got off work and we thought we could apply our tire changing skills. But woman in Missouri are just not allowed to change a tire, it seems. Every time I try some gentleman comes swooping in to save the day! :) You won't ever find me really complaining about this by the way.

So where does one get good cheap tires fast!? Why, Walmart of course. It never ceases to amaze me how God sneaks into the most interesting of places. I mean, if I am going to encounter God, wouldn't I do so in maybe church, or nature, or somewhere, I don't know, pure? I know a lot gets worshiped at Walmart but it isn't usually God.

However, God can't really be put in a box. As I wandered around the store, waiting for my new tire, I found myself pausing in the small book section. Mostly romance novels, a few bestsellers, always a John Grisham, and a few Bibles. I sip my coffee and pause in front of a bright yellow cover at eye-level. "Heaven Is For Real" is the cheerful title above a picture of grinning young boy. Interesting. I pick it up and read the back. Some little boy almost died during an emergency appendectomy.. goes to heaven.. tells about it.. blah, blah, blah.. hmm.. another one of those. I am curious anyways and open to the first page.

I spent the next 45 minutes, standing in Walmart's book aisle, absent-mindedly sipping my coffee as I paged rapidly through this little boys story. A few silent tears even escape me as I absorb the simple, powerful story. Now, for those of you who know me, crying at all is a big deal, but in Walmart!? Yes, yes I know I deserved it. I had judged Walmart as unspiritual, the book as cheesy and possibly fake. And well, that may very well still be the case, but it doesn't mean that God can't use both.

I won't tell you all the details of the book, I think it is actually worth reading for yourself. It isn't a theology book or even a very well written book, but the story is worth it. I believe that heaven is real. But do I always live as if I believe that heaven is really, really real!? And that leads to the question, what is heaven? The heaven I am believing in? I know all the Sunday School answers, I know what the Bible says about Heaven, and eternity. But too often, my understanding of heaven, which is quite limited, gets squished into some corny painting of gold streets and grinning white robed folks. Heaven, it is much, much more.

Heaven is a place where God and Jesus are the sunlight and there is no darkness. Heaven is a place where there is no more sickness, no more dying. I will be happily unemployable as a nurse. But it is so much more than that.

Sometimes I think that earth is a mixed bag of heaven and hell. Sometimes you get heaven, sometimes you get hell, and sometimes both. So, what is heavenly to me now, I think might be only that much more heavenly in heaven. If that makes any sense.

So, what is heaven now? Sunny days, knowing smiles from friends, fruit in season, fat babies, picnics in the park, climbing trees, laughter, puppy kisses, feeling beautiful, Psalms (all of them), my favorite hymn, coffee with mom, a lazy beach day, adventures with dad, ice-cream, time to study God's word, good poetry, fresh coffee in the morning, post cards in the mail, long walks with good friends, dancing in the car, family, friends, lovely dresses, thoughtful paintings, rolling hills, April showers, holding hands, a solid run, real hugs, and my list could go on and on.

I think we are supposed to enjoy the tastes of heaven that God has given us here on earth. But as sons and daughters of God, through being redeemed by what Jesus did on the cross, we really can echo Paul, 'for me to live is Christ, to die is gain.' Jesus is Heaven, and by gaining Him, we gain paradise! And in Him, I think all the good things we could imagine get added in. Heaven is not a boring harp plucking song that goes on and on. It is a party!

I am not longing for heaven because of good party ice-cream. I ache for Grandpa to be without Alzheimer's, for my family to not be spread across continents, to see Aunt Mary alive and cancer free.. to finally see Jesus face to face. That very, very real hope is what brought tears to my eyes... in Walmart of all places.

And so, I continue to enjoy all kinds of heaven here, like picnics in the park with sisters, but oh how I long to see you face to face, Jesus. Thanks for giving me perspective. For reminding me of how much I have to hope in.

"For the the righteous will never be moved; he will be remembered forever. He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord."
Ps 112:6-7

some old stuff.. for Ash Wednesday

2011-03-09T07:03:00.000-08:00

The letters of His name:

Love so bittersweet,
love so deep.
The call is strong,
the call is sure.

No earthly treasure,
would I trade or keep,
for the beat of this love so pure.

In old dead sinners rag,
I once was clothed.
Chained to temporal pain and pleasure.

He put on a humble human body,
and walked a human road.

But it was a price no man could pay, for which He laid down His life to die that day.

He paid my price
and took my shame.
He pulled me out
from the darkest grave.
Love,
Joy,
Peace,
and Freedom,
are the letters of his name.

-- written April 18, 2007

Blogging about the unbloggable!!

2011-02-19T12:54:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't blogged recently. But everything I would have wanted to bog about is well, unbloggable. You know, about other people. Some are friends, some are strangers. And if I wasn't breaking HIPPA laws regarding patients, I would certainly be breaking some kind of friend code. The thing is, pretty much none of what I would have to say, regarding other people is bad.. it is just private. But all these private moments and private stories and private lives have become so intimate with my own that I can not separate myself from them. Whatever is a blogger to do?

Sometimes I 'write' a blog post in my mind regarding a certain event or conversation from my day. But too often these mental blogs are stories that can never make a blog world appearance. And so I am silent. When something is private, but I have to share it.. to unburden, celebrate or vent.. I usually do so with my mom. She is safe in character and in location. Having a trustworthy mother who lives in another continent makes unloading the things of the heart easy and justifiable. But lately, schedules and third-world country communication has impaired the frequency of these mom chats.

And so, I am silent to all.. save one. There is one ear that is always listening, always safe, always thoughtful and discerning. Thank God for God. Can I say that? Too late, just did. I think another reason I have avoided blogging is due to how unfiltered I have been feeling. Gosh, I just might say something I shouldn't. Not that I don't mean it.. but, not everything you mean should be said. Now you are confused I am sure. It's okay. Me too. There is just too much in life I don't understand. Why, why why, when, when, when, how, who? But when I wade through all of the unknowns and unanswered's, I find one thing I do know. One anchor for my wind whipped soul. Jesus.

"Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord,' and not do what I tell you? Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will who you what he is like: he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built." (Luke 6:46-48)

Dig deep and lay a good foundation. Sounds like hard work. Good work always is. Last night, as I tucked myself into my couch bed, due to having added some much loved little visitors to my real bed, I find myself griping a little bit to God. Not too much.. just a little. I wasn't griping about sleeping on the couch, it is actually quite comfortable.. I was just griping in general. Do you ever get tired of doing good? Yeah, me too. I worked this morning for another nurse, my third first-on-call Saturday morning in a row. I came home and had lunch with our lovely adopted sister, who we kidnapped for the weekend. And then, por fin, I drank tea from a red cup that matched the deep hues of the stove-top kettle, and wrapped up in my favorite blanket over my red Bible.. I guess it was a red moment.. and I happily sipped on perspective. Awesome how that changes things. Or, really, nothing changes.. you change. And suddenly everything looks differently.

Jesus is my foundation. Nothing can shake him.

2011-01-11T06:14:00.000-08:00

"The righteous flourish like the palm tree
and grow like a cedar in Lebanon.
They are planted in the house of the Lord:
they flourish in the courts of our God.
They still bear fruit in old age;
they are ever full of sap and green,
to declare that the Lord is upright;
he is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in him."

So much has happened over the last couple of days that thinking on it all now feels like trying to recapture the remnants of a dream upon waking. Waking up is hard. Today is the first morning that I woke up up and thought about how my time here in my Ecuador home is quickly coming to an end. I have to go back.. back to work, back to the good the bad and the ugly. Mostly good... but I have to endure where God has planted me. I have a peace about that, but oh my goodness, how free and full my heart has felt the last couple of weeks. This last weekend, our jungle trip to a remote area where we held a clinic and a day camp for children and a night program for adults... it is difficult to put into words such an experience. Holding clinic, cleaning wounds, dancing with Schwar warriors with spears and holding a hundred beautiful dirty little hungry children, mostly hungry for love. As I sat on the hard wooden bench, squished on every side by little persistent bodies, I chatted with the breastfeeding mother next to me. She looked older then me. Very beautiful but older nonetheless. I was shocked to discover she was 21 years old. How much harder her fewer years had been. I looked at her with new eyes.She wasn't that far from being a child herself. And while she didn't hang onto my shoulders or play with my hair, she hung onto my words with a similar hunger... a hunger for love. God, plant my soul so deep in you, so deep in your courts that into my old age, I might continue to bear fruit and feed hungry people the sweetness of your love.

The above picture is a precious moment I captured of the young mother with her baby girl.

When God licks you..

2010-12-09T10:27:00.001-08:00

As I sit in the big pink chair, compliments of the Wheeler household, my toes are being squished by a certain, persistent, not so little, pit-bull head. Moses a.k.a. the "shadow" followed me around all morning, so close on my heels that I tripped over him numerous times. "Moses," I would say with annoyance as I push him away with my knee. The only place he is not allowed to follow me is the bathroom. That would just be weird. He literally waits outside the door. When I sat down in the pink chair, he crawled under my legs and then draped his big head over my foot. Annoying, comforting, faithful, protective, strong, good listener.. are just a few of the lovely traits that we have all come to hold dear about this funny dog who adopted us.

That phrase about dogs being a man's best friend is quite cheesy, but umm... a little bit true. Friendship, friends, friendships... very important to me. I could never underestimate the value of a good friend. And truly, no dog could ever replace even a not so good friend. But I do think that I can learn a lot about friendship from the Moses. I think one of the things I appreciate about him most is his unconditional love. Regardless of my mood, behavior, and actions, he loves me. For me. When I am being snappy, he doesn't put his nose up in the air and stalk off, or bark back at me. Nope, he simply puts his head on my lap or licks my jeans. It is hard to stay mad at someone who loves you in the midst of your madness. It is very hard to stay mad at a friend who licks you.

I want to be that kind of friend. Loyal, faithful, unconditional in my love. No strings attached. There is another friend I have who teaches me something quite similar. Yep, that Jesus guy. I think sometimes God, in His creativity wires parts of himself into creation to reflect His awesomeness. Sneaky God. But I am a visual kind of gal, so I am thankful for all the visual illustrations in creation of God's character. Is there such a thing as Godly licks? This might be sacrilegious, but I like to think so. Just a different version on the 'Holy Kiss.'

just thinking..

2010-12-08T12:22:00.000-08:00

i think it might be time to start writing again. start blogging. thinking aloud. putting to ink, kind of, the words, sentences, ideas floating around in the universe of my mind. like little stars they fall from the sky as i punch my fingers into my keypad. they explode into this white soil and imprint the ground with their black form. perhaps i should change the font color? this is getting morbid. a simple exercise of transferring information. data download. my brain to yours. you really wish you had skipped this, huh? too late, now you are hooked. does this have a punch line? or is this a swirling downward spiral of meaningless chatter? have you ever wondered why we have thoughts? why we think? meditate? ponder? wonder? dream? why do we do that? do our thoughts on anything change anything? there is something powerful about thoughts. ideas do change the world. yes, i do know that i am an idealist. aren't you? i think everyone is deep down. i hope. i think.. there i go thinking again; i think that each of us have a great potential for good and a great potential for evil. a good book, my favorite in fact, says that out of the heart of man comes.. well. to paraphrase, basically everything, good or bad. what comes out of the heart? feelings, right? those gut wrenching feelings of dread when you realize you have messed up, those butterflies when you are crushing, those paralyzing lightning bolts when you are afraid. Those feelings get translated into thoughts, "I messed up big time," "I wish he liked me back," "I am frightened." and those thoughts become actions, apologies or denial, a good run or a really awkward moment, fight or flight. thoughts are powerful. they cause us to do or not do things. but there is a root deeper than thoughts. our heart. whatever is in our heart eventually gets translated into actions. better make sure that my heart is good, right? but, oh yeah, tried that.. it doesn't work. or at least, i don't work. can't change the old ticker. guess i'm stuck with the pump i've got. unless i get a heart transplant. turn this dark tin into flesh and blood. yep, i am spiraling, chasing the line of my thoughts back to the root. and they always eventually take me back to the same place. surprise, surprise. the gospel really has been written on my heart. it really is always coursing through my veins. i don't always do a good job of exercising my heart. and my circulation gets a little slow as a result. my root though, is Jesus, of course. now that thought, these thoughts, require an action. i think it is time to do some spiritual running. you know, the basics, a girl has to eat after all. truth is my bread and butter. guess i'll munch on that for a little while.

The last fire-fly of the season:

2010-10-13T12:36:00.001-07:00

Be still and know. Be still and know that God is so very much bigger than EVERYTHING.

A few nights ago, my sister and I went on a star-gazing walk. Crisp autumn air and clear country skies have held an open invitation in a wave of glorious weather days. Danelle and I have been trying to not waste these days. We know that winter is whispering through the falling leaves. One of our little traditions is star-gazing. Whether it is laying on top of the hood of one of our cars or a slow walk down our country road, we love to simply soak in the night sky. It puts everything into perspective. How big God is and how little we are.

On this particular star-gazing excursion, we decided to walk. As we set out the eerie sound of lions accompanied a few lonely crickets. Yes, our neighbors have lions. We didn't discover this until late last year. For months, we chalked up the strange roaring to all kinds of silly things. I was convinced it was some giant bull and Danelle called it our Missouri Monster. On this clear night their roaring sounded chillingly close. As we walked, we chatted about our day, but both of us immediately paused at a glow at our feet. One brave little fire-fly burned amidst the gravel. I have no idea how this little guy was still alive. I haven't seen fire-flies for weeks. But there he was. Do you ever have those moments where you sense that something final has taken place? Like reading the last chapter of a book, or saying a long goodbye... "I think this is the last fire-fly of the season, Danelle." We stared at him a bit longer and continued to drift down toward our Aunt's house.

Having family for next door neighbors is lovely, especially when they are lovely. We popped in to say a quick goodnight to our dear Aunt Gracie. She was on the phone with her sister, our Aunt Mary, and Grandma Douce in Arizona. Aunt Mary wanted to be on speaker phone to ask me how my exam for nursing boards went. We had to listen closely to understand her words. The cancer is rapidly eating away the inside of her mouth. She talked about how she and my Grandma had been praying for my exam. Tears came to my eyes. She is losing a battle to cancer and still thinking about my little struggles and triumphs. We began to say goodnight and goodbye. We knew it took a lot of energy for her to speak on the phone and didn't want to wear her out.

But then, she asked if she could tell us a story. She began to share about how she knew she was going to see Jesus soon. Sooner than most of us. She talked about an opportunity she had to help walk a young woman, who had lost her own mother to cancer, into healing.

"The very last thing I want to have happen," Aunt Mary spoke, "Is to let my death from cancer cause any bitterness or anger between my children and God. I want them to have peace with God. And, then it hit me me, I am going to be seeing God and God's people who have gone before me, very soon. It might bring healing or closure to people if they gave me a message to carry to their loved ones that they didn't have closure with. I would feel so honored to carry messages and help people not keep bitterness in their hearts but have peace with God."

Danelle and Aunt Gracie and I stood huddled around the phone. Tears rolled down all of our faces but we choked back sobs to better hear Aunt Mary. Only those who have walked with her through the dark nights of her battle with cancer and anxiety could feel the full impact of her hope-packed words.

"So, it might sound strange," Aunt Mary continued, but if there was someone you didn't get a chance to say something to because they have already gone to be with Jesus, go ahead and write it out for me and I will give it to them. I can't take too many messages because I can't remember too many but I know that Jesus will help me remember what is important."

Again, I had that sense that I was having one of those special, unrepeatable moments. Aunt Mary was giving us an incomparable gift. I knew even as I stood there that I would always look back on that moment and cherish it in my heart. It was as if the glow of Aunt Mary's life, in the very heat of a dark battle with cancer, was shining through her words. She may be losing the battle to cancer.. but she is WINNING the victory of a life that reflects the eternal hope of God.

Walking home, Danelle and I were both quiet. We passed the fire-fly and paused again. This was the last fire-fly of the season. But even in his winking glow, he was saying, "I am coming back. After winter, comes spring and then summer. And we will again fill the meadows with our starry light."

In the same way, Aunt Mary, without saying the actual words, said to us "yes, winter is coming, but then comes spring and then heaven and we will again be together in fullness with God."

This last weekend, we had a chance to be four-sixths of a family in Chicago. Minus a very missed mom and Tully, we explored the city. Our last day together, we ended up at the Lake Shore and sat for some time looking out at the lake. The stillness of water always has a similar affect on me that star gazing does.

Be still and know. Be still and know that God is so very much bigger than EVERYTHING.

October begins..

2010-10-01T09:14:00.000-07:00

GoodLightscraps.com

This morning, I caught up with my mom on the phone. I miss her so much but so thankful that they are all safe the morning after violent and chaotic protests in Quito, where they live. She described hearing the gunfire of a standoff in front of a military hospital near my parents home. "It sounded like we were in some kind of civil war, Chelsea." But then our conversation turned to what we were both doing with our day, weekend plans, life in ministry there and here.. normal life. It just keeps marching on.

Today, waking up to the first day of October, I found myself strangely unsettled in how fast the days are speeding by. Am I doing what I am supposed to be doing with my life? One life.. don't waste it. Right? My good friend Jenni (who lives in Japan with her husband on a military base) hung out with me on skype last night and we chatted about how we would love to just go live in Africa with a bunch of orphans. She did that at one point in her life. She gave everything up to go and be a mom to the momless. But then God called her to college and then marriage and now Japan. She told me that going back to Africa would have been the easier thing for her. This makes me smile even as I type this. Not the typical response one would expect from a young woman who grew up in the suburbs of Saint Louis. But I know her and I know it is true. And it resonates with me because I feel like I am living the harder thing also... staying in Missouri and remaining in the community that God has caused to grow around me.

I was studying Philippians again this morning and was impacted by Paul and his eternal perspective. I have such a GO heart that staying/remaining in a place has been so refining for me. People know me here. All the lovely and unlovely about me. My roommates and I were hanging out with some friends the other night and my strange facial expressions and phrases came up in conversation. We laughed at how I talk with my hands and punctuate important words with raised eyebrows... to name a few. I found myself blessed to look around that table and see girls who I have lived with for years now and who have seen me at my best and worst and still love me. Being in a place where people know you holds you in this natural accountability. I can see how God has/is using it to continue to mature me.

Paul was so faithful to whatever context God planted him in. Even prison was an opportunity to advance the Gospel. This is no prison God has planted me in and I feel challenged anew today to be faithful with what God has given me in THIS season... however long it might be. I think I just feel so silly at times knowing that Christians are dying in other parts of the world for their faith, that people are starving to death without being served with compassion, people are losing the battle with AIDS and aren't being served with dignity. Do you ever wish you could multiply yourself and do all the things you dream of doing? Well, as strange of a plan I think it sometimes, that is exactly what Jesus did. He is multiplying Himself through the body of believers to be His hands and feet to people in need. I have to remind myself that wherever people are, there is need. Some need is more obvious then other need. Who am I to compare?

Lord, bless my extended family. Help us all do a better job of catching the eternal vision of Paul and being faithful to love people around us!

Riots.. again..

2010-09-30T16:34:00.000-07:00

Pray for my Ecuador family! Riots broke out in the Quito today. Per my brother, banks were being robbed and malls looted.. but per my dad, things seem to be winding down tonight... pray things stay that way.

http://edition.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/americas/09/30/ecuador.violence/index.html?iref=allsearch

thoughts at random

2010-09-29T10:40:00.000-07:00

the sun is shining through the leaves
but my still cold toes testifies to an autumn breeze
warm beef stew is nice when i am sick and homesick
both always go hand in hand for me
i miss my mom plenty but plenty more when i am weak
she always knows best how to chase the pain away
"Nurse heal thyself!"
it doesn't work
i think Jesus lets me get sick from time to time
just so that i take a break
stop
be still
enjoy beef stew, sunshine and autumn breezes
and of course Himself
my best friend
how often i take You for granted
save no energy for You
forget to say good morning and good night
and yet you love me
You love me so much
that You let me get sick
just for a chance to remind me how much You love me
what a thoughtful God you are
thanks for the beef stew
thanks for my aunt who made it
thanks for my sister and friends
thanks for your refreshing Word
that warms me up inside
like homemade stew on a crisp autumn day

I always did like the zoo..

2010-09-16T11:17:00.000-07:00

The new job is awesome. I am still a nurse so it is not all roses but it feels so good to feel so good about what I am doing. I miss my geriatric patients more than I anticipated but taking care of children is so very fun. Both ends of the age spectrum hold a special place in my nursing heart. I think it is because both are more vulnerable and need more gentle and sensitive care and protection. What is my job? I work in a zoo.. I mean, a Pediatric Clinic. No more night shifts! It is less strange changing diapers now but I get peed on with a higher frequency. There are days when I miss the hospital but the clinic air is so refreshing (when the diaper pail is not open). I was starting to feel like I was a part of a factory in the hospital. Maybe someday I will go back to it? I really don't know what God's plan for me is in the future. It is just clear to me now that He has opened the door for this great job. I still have so much more to learn.. there is so much they just don't teach you in nursing school.. but every day I thank Jesus for blessing me with a job that I enjoy, feel passionate about, and am supported in.

Faith, Faithfulness, and The Faith-Part II

2010-07-23T10:24:00.000-07:00

Mature Faith:

I have been reading this summer through an old daily devotional by L.B. Cowman, Streams in the Desert. Everything this champion of faith has to say seems to speak right to my heart in this particular season. Half the time I want to argue with her but mostly I am encouraged.

A couple of days ago was a meditation on Judges 6:39, "Let me make one more request. Allow me one more test with the fleece." Cowman wrote about how there are three levels to faith. The first one is an emotional response that has faith because there is some kind of internal (emotional) or external sign that supports the faith and gives evidence to believing. The second level of faith is believing when "all feelings are absent." And the third level of faith believes when everything (circumstances, emotions, and every human reason) would seem to say the very opposite. Mature faith is a faith that believes God and His Word regardless of the storm against it. This kind of faith is what took Abraham across the desert to a land he did not know. This is the kind of faith that gave Esther courage to face the King and Stephen hope in the face of death. This is the kind of faith that when we look back, we say, 'How did you know it was going to work out?' And the person responds, 'I had faith.'

I like evidence. I like convincing data. I like clear direction and signs that say boldly, 'THIS WAY.' I will never forget the first time that God spoke clearly to me. I thought at first that surely it must be my imagination. How could I be sure that it was God's voice? What if I was just making it up? I internally refused to say anything about it until God confirmed to me that it was from Him. Well, God did. He made it clear to me that He was indeed speaking to me.

After that, I again had a few more experiences where I would question whether or not God was speaking to me and again had very similar confirmations from God. To be less vague, the 'confirmations' came from Godly people who I respected and trusted who had absolutely no idea that I was 'laying out a fleece' to God. So, I began to think this was how it worked. God spoke to you, someone confirmed it and then you were obedient to whatever it was that God had entrusted you with. Whether it was a word of encouragement for someone or a personal decision, I had faith to be obedient because it was so clear that I was doing the right thing.

God continued to speak to me but rarely did He confirm through other people in the same way as He had in the beginning. Whenever I felt compelled to share something encouraging to someone about God's heart for them, there was often the confirmation afterwards from the person that God was indeed speaking through me. But there was no one calling me and saying, "Chelsea, God wants you to share that dream or share that word He spoke to you." Instead, it was as if God's voice was becoming so familiar to me that I could recognize His voice with out the need for external confirmation that it was Him.

I am still very hesitant to share what I feel God speaks with me unless I am very sure that it is from Him. I never say "thus saith the Lord" and recognize that I am so very human and don't do anything perfectly. But for some time now I have seen my Faith in God grow beyond signs and positive emotion. I don't know quite how to describe it. I have this unexplainable faith in the promises of God despite the storm of opposition. This last year His promises have carried me through the rigors of nursing school and long hospital hours and complete sleep deprivation and real spiritual battles being waged under my very roof... and that is just scratching the surface. When there was nothing left of my own strength to cling to, no person to rescue me, Jesus sustained me.

But my faith is still not very mature. I feel like God is again speaking to me and yet I really have no clue what the future holds or how God is going to work out His purposes for my life. I would really like a sign. But I am not sure He is going to give it to me. How do you know it is God speaking to you? My rational self questions. I guess that is why it is called FAITH. Believing without seeing. But here is the thought I have come to today. It is not just faith in anything. It is faith in GOD and His WORD. God gives daily daily evidence for Himself and His Word is infallible. I am not putting faith in myself or man or even my interpretation of God's Word. I am putting Faith in GOD. I am still figuring all of this out.. but I think maybe the best experiment in faith is to, well, practice it.

I admire Paul on the ship in the storm who looked around and when "all hope of [their] being saved was at last abandoned," shouted through the rain in his eyes, "Yet I now urge you to take heart, for there will be no loss of life among you, but only of the ship. For this very night there stood before me an angel of the God to whom I belong and whom I worship, and he said, 'Do not be afraid, Paul; you must stand before Ceasar. And behold God has granted you all those who sail with you.' So take heart, men, FOR I HAVE FAITH IN GOD that it will be exactly as I have been told." Acts 27:22-25

For three days they were tossed around and forced to throw everything overboard. Between seasickness and the anxiety of looming death, every passenger must have been practically delirious. What if Paul thought he had imagined the angel? What if he didn't say anything but decided to just 'wait it out and see whether or not God pulled through like He said He would.' That would be the test. Don't say anything. Just see what God says and afterwards you can say, I knew it all along. Oh convicted soul. That is me. I want to just ride out the storm and see if God was really saying what I thought He was saying. That is pretty weak faith if it can be called faith at all.

I believe God. I have faith in Him. I believe He is a God who speaks, who leads. God give me strength to be obedient and bold in the MIDST of the storm and not wait until after the storm has abated to say, "I knew you would pull through all along." I wonder if God would have rescued Paul and the passengers if Paul hadn't spoken what the angel had told him. I think God still would have saved them, but the passengers would not have been impacted in the same way. Paul would have missed out on an opportunity to give God glory. It would not have been a faith story.

Faith, Faithfulness, and The Faith-Part I

2010-07-13T09:44:00.000-07:00

"...But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls. Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation."
Romans 10:39-11:1-2

Thoughts on faith have been sneaking up on me lately. It is a bit frustrating, if I am honest. I usually stay out of any debate on what faith really is and rarely do I ever try to define it, even to myself. I have been a Christian as long as my memories can carry me back. Jesus is a part of my earliest foggy recollections. I grew up with hymns for lullabies and Bible stories for bedtime stories. I have been reading my Bible front to cover for a few years now. Dimly echoing Paul, my Christian record (on the outside, at least) is pretty stellar: church kid, missionary kid, regular little do-gooder. But, I am finding, the heart of my life, my FAITH in Christ... I don't completely get it. All those churchy phrases: have faith like a mustard seed, if you have faith, the righteous shall live by faith, justified by faith, not works but faith, the gift of faith.. I could go on... what do those phrases really mean? And is there a distinction between faith, faithfulness, and the faith? What is the difference between faith and hope and trust?

I think all these faith musings have been born out of, well, crappy circumstances. There seems, to me, to be a relationship between trial and faith. They go together. The heat gets turned up and one seems to either crack up or... get more faith. Character after character in scripture walks into the boiling refining pot and it is in those difficult circumstances that their faith in God shines through the story. Now, is it that the faith was there all along and the trial lifted the veil to reveal a dormant or hidden faith? Or is it that the trial actually birthed faith into the person? Or is it both?

I have never been in a place where things are more OUT OF MY CONTROL, where my life is so messy, and yet... I have never been so happy. Seriously. God has been doing something in me that is well, to use one of those cheesy churchy phrases, growing my faith in an awesome God. Have you ever had someone tell you to exercise your faith? Yeah, me too. But how can you exercise something you don't really understand? Are we even supposed to understand faith? I am making my way through the Gospels again right now, and parable after parable the disciples scratch their heads and Jesus says something like, "you knuckleheads, do you still not get it?" They were doing life, day and night, with the SON OF GOD and they comprehended too small time after time. Yes, the Holy Spirit hadn't come yet, and He is pretty important in the understanding department. But I find myself scratching my head, though I am doing life with God, day and night. I want to get it.

Much more spiritual and intelligent persons than I, have spent significant time studying all of this. I could read commentaries and listen to sermons (which I do, and enjoy). But this faith journey is a little too personal to not explore myself, with God. But because I don't want to develop and weird ideas on my own, I am going to blog this little personal exploration on faith. Another thing about faith that is becoming apparent to me is that it is very much a corporate thing. Something that the Body of Christ does together. Writing has always been a way that I process but blogging is also a helpful format to keep me accountable.

Until the next installment...

2010-06-22T09:58:00.000-07:00

"To burn brightly our lives must first experience the flame. In other words, we cease to bless others when we cease to bleed."

-- Streams in the Desert

I have been thinking on this ever since I read it a few days ago. It is a powerful phrase that both encourages me and scares me. But I think it is clear that pain carves out a well in our lives that we can fill with either sweet water or bitter water. May you always fill my heart, Lord, so that the water that I draw from is sweet.

Hi, my name is Chelsea, and I am a failure.

2010-06-20T10:40:00.000-07:00

Last fall I had a chance to sit in on some local AA meetings to fulfill nursing school clinical hours for one of my courses. The meeting began with, "hi, I am 'Sam' and i'm an alcoholic." The meeting was an interesting mix of vets and single moms and successful business men. The common uniting factor was the battle each had with alcohol. I remember reflecting on this meeting and wondering to myself about the life circumstances that led to alcoholism. Each person had a different story. Fear of rejection, loneliness, family problems, depression... all led to one drink to fill the void or numb the reality of life's pain. I was reminded of Ephesians 5 where Paul says,

"Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit.."

Whatever we are filling our life with, that thing that fills us is what ultimately controls us. If we fill our life with foolishness we can't but help being foolish. The persons I had a chance to interact with at AA suffered the consequences of foolish decisions that led to alcoholism. I found myself very thankful at the time for the incredible grace of God on my life that had protected me from a life of alcoholism.

I really don't know about alcoholism. I don't know what it means to drink to the point that the alcohol fills you with a feeling of goodness and causes all the things around you to fade away and sometimes completely black out. I have actually never been drunk. But I have been on the other side of drunkeness... as a friend, nurse, stranger. And after the good feelings fade away, what remains is shame and guilt. "I am so sorry. I am so sorry. Please forgive me." Mostly, by the grace of Jesus, I am filled with compassion and forgiveness. But there have been a few times when I wanted to shake some people and say, "stop it! What are you doing? Quit being so foolish. Quit filling your cup, your mouth, your gut, your life with that stuff! Grow up, get wise, seek goodness, let go of evil..."

Those things may be true.. but they were said from a place of self-righteousness. This new year, we read as a family the love chapter and each committed to choose to focus on one of the characteristics of love for the year of 2010. I wrote down that I wanted to serve people with Godly humility. I am a very logical person. As a little girl I saw things as black and white, good and bad, wrong choice right choice. I am responsible to a fault. I like doing the right thing because, well, it feels right. This isn't to say that I am not aware of sin in my life, my need to grow. But I had no idea the need in my heart to grow in humility.

Please step into my local chapter of Visible Failures. You see, the name Alcoholics' Anonymous bothers me. It isn't anonymous. The alcoholics' label is very, very visible. We like to hide our failures. But that doesn't work for very long. People always find out. So, let's begin. Hi, my name is Chelsea and I am a failure. I couldn't even begin to list all the ways I have failed this semester. Academically, relationally, physically, emotionally, spiritually... I have found out in the last couple of months that my drink was not whisky or gin and tonic; it was being a good friend, being a good student, being a good nurse... being good at life. Here's the thing. Being good at things is not necessarily a bad thing. I still want to be a good friend, nurse... but if that is the focus of my life, if that is my purpose then those things become bad things. Paul says to fill our lives with the Holy Spirt. Fill our lives with God.

The more I fail the more approachable I have become to people around me. I had no idea I had projected such an image of success. As my life is being emptied of all the things that I am good at, what good remains is God. The only thing of value I have to offer people is Him.

It has been one of the most freeing experiences I have ever had. As the doors close to advanced school, a job, love and success, I am finding sweetness in clinging to a very Good God. I still like doing the right thing. But my reasons are shifting. I find myself doing things with a deeper humility. Not because it is the 'right thing to do' but because God's Spirit moves me, compels me to do them.

This blog post is even a bit of a failure. I don't know how to 'land the plane' of thoughts I have on this subject. Let me just finish with this. Personal success or failure does not change who God is. Fill your life with God and you will stop caring in the same way about personal success or failure. Fill your life with God and you will be filled with a feeling of goodness and everything else will fade away in the reality of His awesome Glory!

How long do you think I will live?

2010-06-15T10:08:00.001-07:00

I carefully clean the port to her central line and reach for my flush. "So, how long do you think I have? Should I just go ahead and get hospice or what?" The enormity of what I think she is asking causes me to still and pausing what I am doing, I clarify, "are you asking about the life expectancy related to your disease prognosis?" Oh cowardly me. Dancing around the topic with sterile vocabulary that blankets the cold reality. She responds, "yes, how long do you think I will live?" I suck in. I don't really know. Seriously, has no one talked with her about this. I am just trying to give her the 1100 med that is scheduled in the MAR.

But then I look. I actually look into her eyes. Thick glasses suspended on a pale white nose is her distinguishing feature next to her bald and tiny head. I had been caring for this patient for three consecutive shifts. She had been my quietest patient. Mostly I, or my preceptor did all the talking when in the room. Today was Sunday. I rarely work on Sundays by choice. I try hard to make being in church on Sundays a priority. But today, my church was this hospital, this hospital room. And just before the startling question I had actually been praying for this woman. It was no fancy prayer. Just a simple, "Lord, bless this woman and help me serve her."

I break eye contact and as I finish injecting the IV med I ask, "has your doctor not talked to you about this?" "No, but I know it isn't good; I can just see it in his eyes." I suddenly feel very old and very sad. I was overcome with compassion. I wanted to answer her question but I couldn't. "This is something that your doctor needs to discuss in more detail with you. Have you you had a conversation with our support care/palliative care team here in the unit?" She shakes her head no. "Well, let me be honest with you, it is likely the doctor hasn't been very clear with you because he doesn't really know the exact prognosis for you."

We talked at some length about all the services the hospital provides for emotional support for cancer patients. She continued to let some fears that had been building up spill out to me. I listened and did my best to speak truthfully but hopefully about her specific situation. I made a note about her questions and left a message for the doctor to address her questions and refer her to have a palliative care consult.

The rest of my shift was a bit of a blur. But that question continued to nag me.. "How long do you think I will live?" That is not something you expect to get asked often, if ever. The pathophysiology of certain diseases and especially cancer gives healthcare practitioners a pretty good idea of how long someone might have. But best estimates are.. well, they are estimates. No one knows the EXACT day. That very same shift there was a patient on comfort care. We were merely providing comfort as she passed from life to death. Her family members came early in the day when the decision was made to move to comfort care. And they waited, and waited, and waited. She was still breathing when I clocked out at 1945.

There is only one who can answer the question of "how long do you think I will live?" And that ONE is God. He alone knows the number of our days. According to scripture, they were written before we were born. I find myself comforted in this knowledge. For all of sciences' advances... only God can say, "it is finished."

Because of my assurance in eternal life with God through Christ Jesus, death does not hold me in fear. Many nurses I work with can not even say the word, 'death.' Thank you God that my soul can say with confidence, oh death where is your victory, oh death where is your sting? My hope is in JESUS CHRIST! He is my life.

But what, what about my patients, friends, who don't have that assurance? Well, duh, I tell them right? Ahh.. not so easy. I don't exactly have the freedom to talk about God unless one of my patients directs the conversation that way themselves. Is that me just giving excuses? Maybe. Maybe.

Oh God, open those windows of conversation where I can talk about true living in YOU. Give me wisdom to discern when you have ordained that conversation and give me courage to speak in the moment.

Goodbyes and the heavenly hello

2010-06-10T11:39:00.000-07:00

I follow quite a few blogs, friends and strangers, who feel not so strange after a time. I appreciate the blog world for many different reasons. I feel closer to friends far away. I sip my coffee as I read and the ocean between us disappears as Jenni turns Robin Hood into a spiritual analogy. I am inspired and encouraged by missionaries far away who I don't know but find myself praying for. I learn from friends near as they process through life... reading their blog is like continuing a good conversation. It has been some time since I myself have blogged. Why not? Well, not much time really. I feel like I live a lifetime in one day. I continue to spend so much time in the hospital that at times it feels more like home than home. So, instead of writing, lately I have only been reading. I don't have much time in this season for my arm-long reading list so mostly I read that coffee stained and well worn, well loved Book. And then I read other people's thoughts. And I am encouraged. Because sometimes they just say it better. Today, as I was reading, an Oncology nurse that I have been following, put to words something I have been processing as I spend more time on the Oncology unit at my hospital. Goodbyes... It is sad blog post but it helps to verbalize the reality of sickness rather than bottling the sadness up. The reality that sustains me every day, all day and in every moment and every hello and goodbye is that my hope is in JESUS. I never have to say goodbye to Him. Lord, continue to say 'hello' through me to friends, strangers, patients, and even enemies. Thanks for first saying hello to me.

"you care for a patient for months, maybe years.
eventually the end comes
where all treatment options have been exhausted
and the patient is exhausted...and 80...and just done with the whole thing
so he's set up with hospice care and sent home.

this line of work is littered with or decorated by (depending on your state of mind) many, many good-byes
this variety is uniquely emotional and complicated because our language and/or culture is sorely lacking in words appropriate for such a send off.
i'm sorry? godspeed? farewell? stay in touch? - nothing quite works.
anything, though, to avoid the ubiquitous 'take care'.

and if you're off work that day, then you miss the good-bye altogether.
you consider calling which may be even harder.
at least in person you have a hug to fall back on if words fail you.

you wish you could turn it over to your son.
you imagine it something like this:

Hi! So how's your death going?
Does it hurt?
Is it boring?
Are you scared?
Do you cry a lot?
Do you believe in god?
Maybe your wife could buy you Sunny Delight. My mom buys that for me when i'm sick. I mean the vitamin c couldn't hurt.
Do you get to watch a lot of t.v.?
Do you have a Wii? Because when i was sick this year i learned how to play baseball lying down. it's not that hard if you just turn your wrist a certain way. i could show you.
Well, we miss you here.
Okay - bye.

i think i'll send a card.
thinking of you
not terribly original.
but it's true."

http://oncrn.blogspot.com/2010/06/good-bye.html

Life is yummy.

2010-05-07T10:02:00.000-07:00

Last Days of College

Man high in a tree sings to me.
Did you hear about the gorilla outside the library,
Playing a ukulele?
Jakob Dylan is my mind canary,
Chirping 'something good this way comes.'
And sunshine tickles my nose.
And warm apple pie is my spring rose.
We do handstands on the columns,
In our giggling heads full of ice-cream
And together savor our tomorrow dream.

"Is this real life?"

2010-03-24T13:07:00.000-07:00

My parents caught me on the phone as I was stepping out of the hospital yesterday evening. I was really glad to be leaving the hospital yesterday. My day had been emotionally, physically and mentally taxing. Just a snap-shot of my shift: I helped with a horrible stomach lavage on a woman with an active internal bleed. Bizarre and disgusting. Got blood on my shoes... again. Held hands for a while with scared and chemically paralyzed woman. Her eyes screamed fear. At one point, in a quick moment of freedom, I was booking it to the bathroom only to have to make room for a body that was being wheeled out. This was not so strange. But the guys wheeling out the body started flirting with me. They even made me chuckle! Ahhhh, what is happening to me? I used to be so disgusted by the sterile humor of health professionals.

Hearing my parents' voices on the phone was like a life-line of familiar hope. "How are you doing, Chels?" My mom asked me. I reminded them (they were on speaker phone together) of the youtube video, 'David after the dentist' (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs). If you haven't seen it, you should. It will make you laugh out loud all by yourself. Well, there is one part of the video where David says, "Is this real life?" I told my parents THAT is how I feel. Spending so much time in the ICU/hospital + lack of sleep and tons of studying have resulted in a string of very hard/strange weeks. I have no idea how one foot is stepping in front of the other. Ever have one of those strange days where you feel like you are experiencing something outside of your body? How bout a couple of weeks of that! Is this real life??

I read Isaiah 48 this morning and verses 10 and 11 seemed to jump off the page. "Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake, I do it, for how should my name be profaned? My glory I will not give to another."

I have felt the fire the last couple of weeks. I don't say that lightly. I have not been this much at the end of my rope in a long time. BUT THAT IS THE POINT! God does NOT share His glory with another. He is faithful to refine the ore that is hidden in the rock down to beautiful gold, TO HIS GLORY! I didn't realize how much prideful rock I was clinging to. I hadn't realized how much I found my identity in Nursing school or work or people. God has been melting away my worldliness and pride. This is kind of painful. The encouraging part? GOD DOES IT! "For my own sake, for my own sake, I do it." When I meditate on WHO God is, how good and just and faithful and loving and wonderful He is, my heart can find rest and peace in knowing that HE is the one who is doing it and will be faithful to complete it.

THIS IS REAL LIFE! The upside-down-refining-you-to-the-reality-of-ETERNAL-life-real-life. Thanks be to God who has begun it, is doing it and will complete it all to HIS GLORY!

Timing.. sneaky Jesus.

2010-03-15T20:15:00.000-07:00

Some time ago, maybe a year, my dear friend Ashely gave me a word that she felt like God had given her for me. It blessed me at the time but I didn't feel like like it applied specifically to that season in my life. Well, Jesus is so sneaky about His timing. He is ALWAYS on time, in the words of my brother, Miguel Angel. Tonight, after a very long day in the ICU, knowing I have another similar long day tomorrow, Jesus intercepted my tired spirit and made a Holy Spirit touch down. I needed to hear these words tonight.

"Yes, I'm here with you--I'm holding you tightly in my arms. I know that you've been struggling with trusting Me deep down in your heart. Take comfort in knowing that nothing has happened in your life that I have not permitted. This season is necessary so that you’ll be prepared for everything that I've planned for your life. Keep in mind that it's during the trials that your faith is proven genuine; it's through the storm that you'll be made complete. I know you feel weak right now, and that's perfectly fine; relying on my strength will ease your suffering. Whether you're aware of My presence or not, I am and always will be with you. I have never taken my eyes off of you, Beloved. I know it's really hard right now, but it's just a few more steps--we're almost over this hill. So, let's press on in victory and joy! I know you can do it! And one more thing, Beloved. I have never regretted the Choice I made so that we could spend eternity together. I am so proud to be your Father…"

Thanks for always being on time, Jesus. Thanks for being with me. Thanks for the hard stuff that helps my faith grow. Thanks for choosing me... I don't deserve you. I love you!

get poured out..

2010-02-26T08:44:00.000-08:00

Above: photo by Jenny Hodgson McGee, © 2009

Isaiah 58:6-12

6"Is not this the fast that I choose:
to loose the bonds of wickedness,
to undo the straps of the yoke,
to let the oppressed go free,
and to break every yoke?
7Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
and bring the homeless poor into your house;
when you see the naked, to cover him,
and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
8 Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
and your healing shall spring up speedily;) your righteousness
shall go before you;
the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
9Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer;
you shall cry, and he will say, 'Here I am.'
If you take away the yoke from your midst,
the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
10 if you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then shall your light rise in the darkness
and your gloom be as the noonday.
11And the LORD will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.
12 And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
you shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
you shall be called the repairer of the breach,
the restorer of streets to dwell in."

This is not pouring YOURSELF out... I have tried that lots of times. I always become empty when I do that. No, this is being filled with God's Spirit and then pouring HIM out. He is absolutely limitless.

Just something I have been thinking about this week.

When Dad tells stories...

2010-02-12T11:00:00.000-08:00

Above: The Casa Gabriel guys and Dad and Tully on a camping trip they took at El Refugio

Mom teases Dad that he experiences so much in one day that when he comes home he often doesn't have the energy to tell her anything that happened between breakfast and dinner. This isn't that surprising if all he did was paperwork or team meetings. But often, he experiences many moments throughout his day of constant interaction with people that some never experience in the whole of their lifetime. Many times we all hear about some of the most amazing stories days and weeks later. I never cease to be surprised by the stories that surface from time to time. Some sad, some touching, some funny and most of them powerful.

My good friend and fellow missionary kid in South Carolina, Johanna, recently asked my Dad for a story that illustrates being an Ambassador. This is what he sent her.

Here is a story for you:

I have the adventure and privilege to work with former street boys here in Quito. The main focus is for us/them to embrace who we are as sons of the living God. Our process is to learn His culture, His ways, His interests. We do this so we can represent Him, yes we are Ambassadors. In II Cor. 5:20 Paul exhorts us to be Ambassadors for Christ to this world, that all may be reconciled to Him.

One of the boys, Miguel, has been reaching out to other street boys. Most of them boys he knew when he was on the street. It is not uncommon for these boys to stop by asking for help from Miguel. Our policy is we do not give hand outs to these boys but encourage the other boys of the house to reach out if the want to.

Above: Miguel sharing about Jesus during a jungle ministry trip the house and an Ecuadorian church took together over Christmas

One day after church a lady from a Christian church close to our house came over with boy in his teens who looked very rough, dirty, high, smelly. She said this boy came into the church looking for help and I know you help street boys and promptly turned around and walked away. Leaving this young man staring at us, and us at him. He said he wanted clothes and food. He had no socks and some of the most raggedy shoes seen. Well, we decided we would go in and look to see if we could find some shoes, a change of clothes and maybe a bite to eat.

Miguel stayed outside with him. While inside looking for some items for him, Miguel started to minister to him. When we had gathered a few items for him we came out and found Miguel down on his knees washing the young mans' feet so that he could put on the clean socks and shoes. This young man was just standing there, not really knowing what to say or how to respond. I wonder if anyone had ever washed his feet before.

It would have been much easier to just give him 'things' and have him go on his way. But who can measure the impact on his heart of Miguel getting down washing his dirty feet with his bare hands. It was good to give him some clean clothes and a bite to eat, however, in a short while these also will wear out and he will feel the pangs of hunger again... but I doubt he will ever forget the touch and seeds of love and kindness sprinkled on his soul.

Yes, how beautiful are the feet who bring the good news, and how beautiful are the feet of those God sends our way--- if we would only take the time to wash them off and see them.
In the race,
Phil D

I wrote my dad and told him after reading this that I love hearing these kinds of stories because it just puts things into perspective. It is very hard to stay self-absorbed or too caught up in my own little agenda when I hear about my hermano Miguel listening to God's heart and washing the dirty feet of a street kid.

That great commission thing...

2010-02-09T08:14:00.000-08:00

Psalm 126 (ESV)
Restore Our Fortunes, O LORD
A Song of Ascents.
1When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion,
we were like those who dream.
2Then our mouth was filled with laughter,
and our tongue with shouts of joy;
then they said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."
3The LORD has done great things for us;
we are glad.

4Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
like streams in the Negeb!
5Those who sow in tears
shall reap with shouts of joy!
6He who goes out weeping,
bearing the seed for sowing,
shall come home with shouts of joy,
bringing his sheaves with him.

Yesterday I found myself downtown with almost four beautiful hours that I could devote to studying. As I trekked through the snow north on 9th street, I thought about which of the local coffee shops would be most conducive for studying. On my way to one of my favorite local venues I have to pass Starbucks. Now, I am not a Starbucks hater. I admittedly enjoy their establishment and coffee from time to time. But I am all about supporting the 'little people' and enjoy the uniqueness of the great local coffee shops that Columbia has to offer better then I do the generic empire of Starbucks world. All of that is to say that I had no intention of going into Starbucks. But as I was passing it, something drew me inside the door. I glanced about, sure that there would be no open table at that busy hour, but, to my surprise, there was.

I settled in with a tall house coffee and buried my mind in my cardiac notes (I could blog about hearts for ages by the way... they are so amazing). I completely faded out any background noise and chatter around me so I was startled when a face grinned hello at me. "Oh, hi!" I say and try to return to orient myself back into my environment. I run into him every once in a while. He came to church and then college fellowship a few times but he hasn't been to either in a long time.

We chatted a little bit about school and then something in me feels the need to go a little deeper. This is weird because, really, I just wanted to be polite and then return to the rhythmic ballet of the chambers of the heart. But I asked anyway, "besides the business of school, how are you really doing? What is going on in your life these days?" "Well," he hesitates, "I don't want to offend you because I know what church you go to but, well I have converted religions. I am no longer a Christian but am now Muslim."

We ended up having an hour long conversation about religion, God, the Bible, the Qur'an, the Trinity and Jesus. Truly, I did not have very many good answers to his thoughtful and hard questions. Mostly I just listened. At first he was very careful with his words because of how he has been attacked in the past by over-zealous Christians. But by the end of our dialogue, both of us had a mutual respect for the thoughts of the other person and though we both disagreed about some pretty huge things I was left with a sense of God's divine appointment.

I so enjoyed having an open and kind discussion about God, our relationship to Him and our purpose in life from two very different perspectives. This very intelligent and thoughtful young man has been powerfully and negatively impacted by hypocrisy and division that he has experienced in the Christian church. My heart broke that this was his experience. He asked me what kind of a Christian I was. Wow, this made my heart break even more. "I believe that there are people who call themselves Christians who are not actually children of God." I told him. "A true child of God is one whose debt of sin has been paid for by Jesus Christ. A true child of God is someone whose heart and life is being daily transformed by the love of God. Going to church on Sunday does not make one a Christian." I tried to be careful about how I talked about Jesus because of what I know about Muslim belief but, oh my goodness, Jesus is the whole point. My heart was so full of joy talking about how beautiful Jesus is. This young man told me, "it is very evident that you feel very passionate about what you believe. It it is clear you have a soft heart." "It is Jesus who has made my heart soft." I told him.

This morning, I read Psalm 126 with new eyes. It talks about a fortune (captives) being restored to Zion. The last couple of verses are a beautiful picture of sowing with patient endurance and reaping a harvest with joy. I am also memorizing the Great Commission (at the end of Matthew) this week and I couldn't help but relate this Psalm to the calling we all have on our lives to GO and sow seeds. And what is the seed? Well, it is Jesus. "The Kingdom of God is as if a man should scatter seed on the ground. He sleeps and rises night and day, and the seed sprouts and grows; he knows not how. The earth produces by itself, first the blade, then the ear, then the full grain in the ear. But when the grain is ripe, at once he puts in the sickle, because the harvest has come." Mark 4:26-29

Okay, that is great, I am all about the great commission and sowing seeds but I have exams and projects and work and clinicals (which are many times opportunities to sow the truth of Jesus). But the reality is that, most of the time, I am not thinking about how to win people to Jesus. Mostly I am thinking about the next thing on my check list and schedule book. I am so humbled and grateful today for the Holy Spirit. I have no doubt that He guided me to study at Starbucks and prompted me to ask deeper questions. He gave me a listening heart and a love and respect for a young man I hardly know. Jesus, wonderful beautiful Jesus, paid my debt of sin and continues to transform and soften my heart. And even when I am caught up in my little agenda, He lovingly and gently directs me so that I end up in Starbucks sowing seeds about Him.

Snow and the purifying love of Jesus.

2010-02-05T12:22:00.000-08:00

Above: Picture titled, "Snow Storm," © 2006 Todd S. Klassy found at: http://farm1.static.flickr.com/41/101340553_b9f4a4db43.jpg

"Come. Sit down. Let's argue this out."
This is God's Message:
"If your sins are blood-red,
they'll be snow-white.
If they're red like crimson,
they'll be like wool.
If you'll willingly obey,
you'll feast like kings.
But if you're willful and stubborn,
you'll die like dogs."
That's right. God says so.
Isaiah 1:18-20 The Message Bible

It is snowing outside. It is my favorite kind of snow. Big, fluffy flakes. The darkness of Missouri February trees are now clothed in beautiful white garments. I have been thinking a lot about sin this morning. Even though I wasn't feeling well and had (have) a mountain of homework to tackle, I was determined to spend some quality time in God's word before I did anything else today. In the madness of a relentlessly busy week I have neglected my daily reading and time carved away to spend with God.

Well, my daily reading today took me into Isaiah and the beginning of Revelation. My heart was so pierced with conviction this morning. I have had very legitimate reasons to be busy lately, yes. I have definitely needed some down time, you know, chilling with my roommies in the evening, watching a cute silly movie... sure. But NONE of the things that have occupied my thoughts and time the last week are ANY excuse for ignoring what matters most of all.. JESUS.

Sitting and watching the snow fall outside my window, I feel my heart renewed with a new resolve under the incredible weight of God's mercy to me. His purifying love covers me and makes me new. How amazing that His mercies really are new every day.

Even when I am busy entertaining other guests in the home of my heart, He patiently waits knocking at the door. This amazes me and scares me all at the same time. I was reminded again today how short my life is.. oh my goodness, it is but a vapor. Breath in and breath out. Life is too short to mess around. God is full of forgiveness when we repent with a righteous sorrow. But why would I wait to be clothed in white? Who likes remaining in the shadow lands? The seasons are too short to ignore Jesus knocking on my door. I feel like my house has been open to Jesus for as long as I can remember. It is really more His house at this point than it is mine. But this year, I feel like Jesus has been helping me explore all the rooms in my house. Some of these rooms still have "KEEP OUT" signs hanging over them. Whether it is a room of fear, idolatry, or pride... it is sin.

Oh God, find me willingly obedient. Please find yourself welcome in ALL the rooms of my house and clothe my home in your purity and truth and peace. Thank you for opening up heaven and causing your purifying love to blanket me like white snow.

"would you like a little phone with your tea?"

2010-01-28T18:02:00.000-08:00

When I am in major nursing school... MUST COMPLETE MY MISSION... robotic do or die mode, I have been know to do some of the silliest things. I think it is because I divert all of my brain juice to the task at hand and there is just nothing left for performing my own personal activities of daily living. These intense phases that cycle through my nursing school life have produced much material for my roommates' great amusement.

I usually get myself into most trouble when I am dual-tasking it. Last night I had penciled a phone date with my dear friend Jenni (who is far away in Japan with her hubby) and was determined not to miss it. I managed to focus and listen, respond to instructors e-mail, check quiz scores, heat water, drink tea, unload and load the dishwasher, pick up the living room and begin a quiz all the while chatting with Jenni. And it was a really great conversation too. Jenni conversations usually are. We talked about sin and humility and Jesus... as usual.

The trouble happened when I tried to hang up my cell phone on auto-pilot and DROPPED it into my TEA! That isn't so bad. I fished it out, finished the rest of the tea in one big lukewarm swallow and dried my phone off on my jeans. I meant to take it apart and dry it out but my nursing robot... MUST COMPLETE THE MISSION... self took over and I became lost in the mysteries of cardiac function.

A few hours later when I remembered my phone it was, DEAD. I was so sad. Macall, newest roomie, found me sitting dejected in our kitchen. "Don't worry Chels. We can bake it." Desperate people do do desperate things because we cooked my phone, on low heat mind you. After it was baked just so, the trick is not to heat it to the melting point apparently, we turned it on.. nothing.

I decided to let it rest for the night. Sleep solves so many issues.

I hate being attached to my cell, computer... technology (ironic as I type in this blog) but it would be so hard to do a day with out my phone. This morning my stress level rose as I tried to revive my phone while Danelle and I made our commute into campus. Nothing. So, I did what I always end up doing in these kinds of life and death situations. I prayed. "Jesus, have mercy on me and please let my phone work. I don't have time to get a new phone right now and even if I did I don't think I have money to even buy it."

"Jesus is merciful whether it starts or not, Chels." Danelle chuckles at me. I groan. She is laughing at me because that is usually something I would say. God is merciful period.

But, well, God is just so merciful because, in that moment, my phone worked! It is a small thing, really. But it is a big thing too. It is so amazing that THE CREATOR OF THE ENDS OF THE EARTH cares about all the minute details of my life and.. He is just so kind to me. Because what really happened in this stressful/comical moment is that I was reminded that I am NOT in control of my life. My life belongs to Him. And sometimes life is going to give me 'cell phone in my tea.' And with God, even that can taste oh so good.

Happy hallucination.

2010-01-27T12:27:00.000-08:00

I recently tried to talk my supervisor into transitioning me from working nights to days. I even offered to work the ABSOLUTELY worst day shift with the greatest number of new surgeries. Surprisingly, there are not very many people who are wanting to work weekend nights. So, it looks like I continue to sign away every Friday night and every other Saturday to the hospital.

It will be two years this summer that I have worked those eerie night hours when patients are even less lucid then the daylight hours. I have been mistaken for a family member, ghost, angel, alien, and even a robber. Yes, one patient called 911 from her hospital room because a robber [a.k.a. ME] was sneaking into her room. The only thing I actually 'stole,' though, was a measurement of her blood pressure.

Though I may appear to be a hallucination to half my patients, I can at least say that I am mostly a happy hallucination. While I am accused of being all kinds of things by my patients, the most common thing I am called is 'cheerful.' It isn't always true. Sometimes I have to pretend to be cheerful and most often I have to pray for help from Jesus to be cheerful. But Jesus is pretty great about answering those kinds of prayers.

Another expression of love

2010-01-26T09:19:00.000-08:00

Above: Danelle, during the jungle trip over Christmas break.

"Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven." -- Jesus

humble... humility... less of me...

2010-01-25T21:10:00.000-08:00

Above: mis hermanos- Jordan, Miguel, and Danellle at the beach.

Because there were 18 of us total at the beach, my Dad, in awesome dad fashion, corralled us into daily quiet times. These mandatory times of 'silence' were a nice break from our usual group roar. On the last day of the year, Dad asked us to all read 1 Corinthians 13 together and choose one of the characteristics of love described by Paul to commit to work on this year.

After thinking about it and praying about it we all wrote it down on a piece of paper and gave it to Hermano Phil, a.k.a. Dad.

I spent longer than necessary (mostly from beach induced laziness)meditating on the verses. I love love. All the warm fuzziness of it. But sometimes it is not so warm and fuzzy. In Hebrews 12, the writer reminds us of the words of Solomon, " My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives."

I remember one vivid night last year where I collapsed into my bed, more like crawled into my bed, after a particularly difficult day. Desperately needing encouragement, I opened my Bible hoping to reading something like, "you don't deserve this hard day, I the Lord, your good father am going to take care of all of the hard and frustrating details that are so heavy on you and I will make you more comfortable." Instead, I opened to Hebrews 12. I laid down my Bible and in exasperation, growled out loud, "God,you REALLY love me don't you?" I could almost sense a heavenly chuckle at my spiritual temper-tantrum.

God continues to lovingly discipline me in all kinds of creative ways. Sometimes I know what He is up to but mostly I am unaware of my incredible need for loving 'redirection.'

Well, perched in a beach chair overlooking a beautiful ocean horizon, I found myself caught by the words in 1 Corinthians 13 '[love]is not arrogant.' I mentally chewed on that for a while. 'Love is not arrogant, it is not arrogant.. hmmm..' What does that look like? I KNOW what arrogant looks like but what does 'love is NOT arrogant look like?' I began to think about some of the most powerful expressions of God's love in the form of humility. There is nothing quite so disarming as the expression of humble love.

I wrote all of this down on a piece of paper and gave it to Dad.

This week as been so hard. Busy, long, exhausting, discouraging... I told Kyrsten and Danelle last night as I lay on my floor after a long day, "what am I doing with this life? Jesus take me home NOW!" They laughed at me, which is what I really needed, and teased me about always wanting to just die and go to heaven when things get really tough. Well, why not? Why the crap would I hang around this world when I have JESUS in HEAVEN just waiting for me? Well, I don't really know. I think maybe I need more discipline. And, I think in that disciplining process, God is using the workings of HIS humility in me to be an expression of His love.

All of the yuckiness of the last couple of days is God's merciful and incredible love to me. That is a very weird sentence to type out. But since we returned to Missouri, I have been reminded of those words I wrote on a little piece of paper at the beach on the last day of 2009. "I, Chelsea, want to communicate love through God's expression of humility in my life in this new year of 2010."

Jesus, my precious patient.

2010-01-23T09:14:00.000-08:00

I wish that I could write more about my experiences with patients in the hospital but I try very hard to be sensitive to protect all of my patients' privacy. However, last night I had a humbling and convicting experience where God reminded me of who it is I am serving... Him. It reminded me of a very similar night that I wrote about some months ago. I read it again this morning while thinking about work this evening. May 'work' never be just 'work.' May it become more and more an act of worship by serving Jesus, my precious patient.

(Names and room numbers have been changed.)

“Were you guys the ones needing a float?” I ask as I breeze into the nurses’ station on 7000. “A root beer float but I guess you will have to do,” Grant, the nurse winks at me. “Uh oh, it is going to be that kind of night is it?” I tease back. I am not excited to be on this floor. I was doing a twelve hour night shift and I had already done four hours on another floor and it was always difficult to transition to a whole new set of patients and staff. Also, I had worked with some of this staff before. It had not been a pleasant experience. Sarah, the charge nurse, gives me a speedy tour and hands me my kardexes. “Heeeey, it’s you!” Cory grins at me. He is in the accelerated nursing program and we have run into each other on campus since we were in Microbiology together. “Are we working together?” I ask as he pulls out a seat for me. “Yaaaaa, this is great,” he responds. I have mixed thoughts. I am glad to work with a familiar face but I have also never been able to figure out his motive in being my friend. I smile and decide to give him a chance. Give him a chance. Who do I think I am? This is just not about you, Chelsea, I chide myself.

I swing my feet and chew on almonds I have stashed in my front pocket as the two leaving techs give me report on my patients. Twelve total. I sigh. This floor is always short staff. “Room 7027 had a CVA and is very weak on his right side. He is continuously incontinent with diarrhea and needs to be turned q2 hours. Basically, you have to keep going in and checking him.” Great. I staple my kardexes together and make an outline for myself of what needs to be done for all my patients. Everyone is weighed on an upright scale on this floor before six in the morning. I am not used to that. I quietly sneak in and out of all my patients’ rooms. I write my name on the white board and, after letting my eyes adjust to the darkness, I stand for a few seconds watching their chests rise and fall.

7024 is awake when I go into his room. He is a complete mess. His blankets are all over the place. His gown is bloody. I immediately start looking for the source. His right peripheral IV is dangling awkwardly from his forearm as he tries to take a drink of water. I lean over and my suspicion is confirmed by the smear of blood across his arm. His eyes follow mine and he spills his water. It takes a few minutes but soon he is all cleaned up and his blankets are now straight in the bed. I let Grant, his nurse, know that he pulled out his right IV. Fortunately, he had another IV in his left that was infusing correctly. I was a little annoyed. Annoyed not to be working in the comfort of my floor with a familiar routine and less patients.

7027. His room was next. I turned on low lights and donned gloves. Almost a year of experience as a patient care technician, just another title for nurses’ aid, had prepared me for this kind of patient. I scanned the room to make sure I had enough wipes and a clean change of chuck pads. “Good evening sir,” I smile into his wrinkled face. I pat his right arm. “I am going to help turn you and get you off your backside and, if need be, change the pad under you. Can you help me by reaching this arm towards this side rail?” His arm is dead weight. I had forgotten. This was his week side. “Do you need help?” Cory asks from behind me. I am relived. “Yes.” He quickly grabs gloves. I strip blankets off the bed and pull pillows out of the way. 7027 lays vulnerable. The large hospital gown looks puny on his long frame. Together Cory and I first boost him up higher in the bed. There is no way I could have done this alone. The elderly man in the bed is not overweight. Even in his advancing years and sickness he is a large strong man. He helps us turn him towards me. I lean over his buttocks. The angry red skin is bleeding through the smear of diarrhea. I am suddenly overwhelmed with compassion. Softly explaining everything I am doing, I gently began to wipe his diarrhea burned cheeks. “I know this hurts, sir. I am so sorry. But we have to get this cleaned up really well to help give it a chance to heal.” Cory hands me the protective cream and I smooth it over all of the reddened area. And in that moment, my face close to this stranger’s smelly and ugly bottom, my whole night is transformed. Only in the upside down Kingdom of God could such a transformation take place in my heart. For the first time I notice the mans’ left hand. It flashes a gold wedding band, dulled with time, not unlike his body. I wondered what he looked like as a young man. I am sure he never imagined he would be in this place. He is not unaware of what is going on. He stoically endures without complaint to us. Only the grimace of his face communicates his pain.

A single thought burns through my mind. “Jesus my patient.” I am suddenly reminded of a prayer by Mother Theresa that my sister recently sent me. “Jesus my patient,” I almost whisper it out loud. This man, with his weak right side and scalded skin, is transformed into my precious Jesus. He is no longer room number 7027. He was wearing the skin of my beautiful Savior. I tenderly tuck him in and turn the lights down. This man is someone’s husband, father, and even grandfather. But tonight, he is Jesus my patient and I have the supreme privilege of serving him.

“Thank you for being patient with me Jesus my patient.” I pray as I walk towards the next room. I began this shift annoyed. I had forgotten who it was I was there to take care of. In the madness of a new morning, endless call lights, needed blood sugars, bathroom trips, and frantic nurses, I served my patient Jesus. I squeezed her hand in encouragement. I wiped his hot face with a cool wash cloth. I found him a newspaper. I drained her Foley catheter. I helped her pull down the panties that she was too weak to adjust. More than I have ever experienced before, I saw the face of my Jesus in all of them. Jesus didn’t look like the rugged thirty-something Jewish man with long brown hair. Tonight his face was wrinkled, smelly, grumpy, scratchy, confused and weak. “I am so tired of being weak like this that I could just scream.” One of my patients told me. “Cathy, what is wrong with me. My brain is all mushy. I don’t know where I am.” Another of my patients repeated to her middle aged daughter, as we helped her into the bathroom again. “It is okay Mom; you have a little bit of Alzheimer’s.” I rub her back.

Jesus, my precious patient, Jesus. Thank you for opening my eyes to see you. Thank you for giving me the amazing privilege of loving you and ministering to you.

Whaaaaaaaaaat??

2010-01-22T11:34:00.000-08:00

above: Tully shore surfs

Ever have one of those days where you feel swept up in a tidal wave of events and there is NOTHING you can do to stop them or change them? You are simply riding the wave?

Over break, we spent as much time as our skin and muscles could stand it in the ocean. While we were at the beach it was a full moon and this caused the tide and waves to be especially strong. I would literally be picked up by a wave and rolled in its grip until it released me or slammed me into the gritty sand of the shore.

One afternoon, Dad, Jordan, Danelle, and Tully and I spent hours wrestling the waves. I had sand stuck in even my eyebrows and skinned knees to go with my jelly-fish stung legs. Why in the world would I continue to submit myself to such a crazy water and sand beating? Why did we fight smaller waves past the shoreline to be grabbed up by monster waves? What possessed us to repeatedly play with the relentless waves? Well, it is simple, really. It was SO MUCH FUN!

Back in Missouri. The waves look a little different but there are still some monster ones on this shoreline. They are just as wild and just as dangerous as the Ecuador version. But the reason I continue to submit myself to be swept up by them? Well, because it is always fun to be swept up by Jesus. Sometimes you get sand stuck in your eyebrows and skinned knees and sometimes you are even stung by jelly-fish. But the ride, the ride is still totally worth it.

Trekkin' it Douce style

2010-01-19T14:40:00.001-08:00

my flower poem

2010-01-19T10:06:00.000-08:00

I wrote this after a series of events this last Sunday that left me in a wake of humble awareness.

I am an aging flower,
Time shifts my petals down,
Gravity creeps up my wilting tower,
Winter anoints me with the Surrender Crown.
My most Precious Seed, it falls,
Towards a lonely tomb,
'Goodbye heart,' Death calls,
As my Dream Seed leaves me an empty room.
I am a dead flower,
But a warm wind whispers such,
That Evil Death begins to cower,
And Spring reveals her healing touch.
I am a resurrected flower,
More alive for dying,
Victorious fruit welcomes a New Shower,
Sweet life is now my joyful crying!

on a more serious note...

2009-11-25T21:57:00.000-08:00

from the nurses station:

It is a slow Thanksgiving Eve night and Christmas music is the unanimous choice of night filler. Jingle Bell Rock lightens the nurses station with its cheerful melody.

I have been thinking all day about Thanksgiving Day tomorrow. I had such a great day. I baked pies, cleaned, read, drank coffee, listened to worship music, Christmas music, random music.. basically I spent the day with Jesus just putzing around the house preparing for tomorrow and the arrival of Danelle, Jordan, Christine and Violeta from Chicago. I really enjoy having some loner days. After a steady march of people-full days and nights, today was a refreshing and needed meditative day.

Things I meditated/thought on today? Oh, there is no blog big enough for that. But in relationship to Thanksgiving Day, I find my heart so full of thanksgiving this day. I am reminded of that cheesy, but quite appropriate song, "Count your blessings."

Thanks Jesus for filling my heart with thanks. Bless far away loved ones tonight and fill all our hearts with more of you. Because that is really why my heart is so thankful... it is just so full of YOU.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

2009-11-25T21:43:00.000-08:00

2009-10-11T16:23:00.000-07:00

Oh, beautiful autumn. Of all the seasons you created, Lord, what is it that so inspires my heart about this one, in all its dying glory? Autumn is not in her fullness, but early leaves and early trees are heralding her arrival. Red, orange, brown, soft yellow... and my favorite, perhaps, burnt orange, no, crimson? I like them all. Danelle sits beside me on the back deck. we are bundled up in blankets and sweaters, sipping hot tea. Moses listens intently to wood noises. I am listening to inner thoughts. I am marveling at how every year I am amazed anew by this season. Something about it causes me to smile in my soul. A deep satisfying soul sigh escapes when I soak my eyes in autumn beauty. Thanks for making it all, Lord. The season, and the soul to enjoy it.

2009-08-04T12:00:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about heaven... again. Heaven on earth. Heaven above it. Time catches me by surprise. Summer is whispering her goodbye. How can I feel such loss of time when I have been given eternity? Eternity with the people I love most. They just might not be here now. But they will be then, forever. The psalmist says my times are in your hands (speaking to God). I echo that. But there is a sad thought still splashing inside of me. Those people I love who are writing themselves into a different kind of eternity. One of our pastors talked about bold faith on Sunday, speaking from Acts. It is not a new concept but for some reason I was pierced. My times are in your hands, God. Help me to not cling so tightly to a little bit of heaven here on earth when you have promised me an eternity of it. Give me boldness and faith to camp on the outskirts of hell and introduce heaven to those tent dwellers.

Sweet Peace

2009-05-26T14:53:00.000-07:00

You are like honey on my lips,
that catches strands of rebel hair.
You are like a handful of blueberries,
fresh and stained upon my fingers.
You are like a good long hug,
that wraps me in warm safety.
You are like a gentle baby kiss,
both innocent and bold.
You are like a sunshine nap,
nestled in the tall green grass.
Sweet, delicious, warming, wonderful peace.
You invaded my heart and, like honey,
you are now stuck to all my life.
I'm glad you are so sticky.

2009-05-21T21:39:00.000-07:00

Jesus My Patient

Dearest Lord, may I see you today and every day in the person of your sick, and, whilst nursing them, minister unto you.
Though you hide yourself behind the unattractive disguise of the irritable, the exacting, the unreasonable, may I still recognize you, and say:
"Jesus, my patient, how sweet it is to serve you."
Lord, give me this seeing faith, then my work will never be monotonous. I will ever find joy in humouring the fantacies and gratifying the wishes of all poor sufferers.
O beloved sick, how doubly dear you are to me, when you personify Christ; and what a priviledge is mine to be allowed to tend you.
Sweetest Lord, make me appreciative of the dignity of my high vocation, and its many responsibilities. Never permit me to disgrace it by giving way to coldness, unkindness, or impatience.
And O God, while you are Jesus, my patient, deign also to be to me a patient Jesus, bearing with my faults, looking only to my intention, which is to love and serve you in the person of each of your sick.
Lord, increase my faith, bless my efforts and work, now and forevermore. Amen.

-- Mother Teresa

encountering jesus in the busy street of my thoughts.

2009-02-27T14:13:00.000-08:00

there are only two days currently that I am not in the hospital, whether for clinicals or work. i feel like i am always running. mostly i run poorly. but i am learning to run well, the jesus kind of running. thank goodness i can't help but encounter him in the busy street of my thoughts. he is my constant companion in this desert of relationships and fast paced responsibility. his spirit is my engedi, my refreshing oasis. the psalmist said, "i will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart..." (Ps 119:32)

i love running until all that i hear is my heartbeat in my ears. but how easily i run from things and let the rush of blood drown out fear, disappointment... whatever. i think that is poor running. i am supposed to be running with purpose. i think that the only time an enlarged heart is a good thing is in the case of athletes. i sometimes feel like an out of shape christian who is startled into a stretch of running only to stop at the half mile-point, panting with discouragement and self-condemnation.

but what happens when there is no chance to rest? what happens when i find myself in the busy street with no choice but to fling one tired foot in front of the other? 'it is just a season,' they say, and i reassure myself too. but, is it? my heart and body crave rest. but jesus said, "i am the lord of the sabbath." so my rest is in him. what in the world does running well look like? how in the world did paul do it in his prison cell? i don't know fully. just in part. but i think it might look like eric liddell's ugly arm flapping sprint for the finish line. i think it might look like jordan and joe letting go so they might have more. i think it might look like shasta sitting on a horse he doesn't know how to ride and encountering aslan in the mist. i think it might look like david, running around with is ragged band of fighters crying out to god, "remember me!" i think it might look like daniel bleeding to death by the knife to his enemies who he was willing to love.

i want running well to look a certain way. i want people to pat me on the back and say, 'your doin' a good job chels.' but i think that running well looks wonderfully messy and unique to the feet that are running and the path they are set on.

the important element is the direction and final destination. to run well is to run in way of god's commandments... i need a bigger heart to do that. how does that happen? a heart usually enlarges in a response to stress, good and bad. so, this crazy running season, full of stress, good and bad, is enlarging my heart to run well... wonderfully mess-filled well. may my heart continue to be enlarged by consistent, maturing, disciplined heart-training by a loving and faithful trainer. may my heart be enlarged to run with the purpose of an athlete who fixes their eyes on the finish line.. the prize. not that i have already obtained this or am already perfect, but i press on to make it my own, because christ jesus has made me his own. brothers, i do not consider that i have made it my own. but one thing i do: forgetting what lies behind and straining [the heart enlarging kind of straining] forward to what lies ahead, i press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of god in christ jesus. (phil 3:12-14)

Mind Flood

2009-02-20T14:01:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, it rained inside my head,
big cleansing, splashing drops that wash away the dead.
Old thoughs swirled around the drain,
and I watched in strange fascination,
them slip away by newness slain.
But soon, the rain turns to a storm,
and my brain issues a flash flood warning.
Water levels rise,
and I think I might be drowning.
I grab two floaties and hang on tight.
Someone has written on my floaties with a black permanent marker.
I shift in my mind flood to better read the letters.
In chunky and bold blocks is scrawled on one, "Eternal,"
and the other, "Peace."
I kick my legs and giggle...
bring on the rain.

Return of the Douce

2008-04-03T09:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I am back. It has been almost a year since I last posted and even visited my own blog. Blogs are such a funny thing to me, really. It is like a journal that everyone else just happens to be able to read. One rambles (as I am now) and attempts to dialogue with smart sounding and philosophical language about nothing and everything. Madly pounding out a one sided conversation, but completely aware that someone is peeking over your shoulder. What a strange world we find ourselves in. So, why I am I back? Not sure really. I am just getting that funny little "writers itch" that assaults me from time to time. When that happens the only remedy is to write of course. Perhaps this is the end... or perhaps I will be around for awhile.

When I Survey the Wondrous Cross

2007-04-10T09:30:00.000-07:00

When I Survey the Wondrous Cross
Written by:
• Isaac Watts
________________________________________
(key of D)
D G D
When I survey the wondrous cross
Em G A
On which the Prince of glory died
D G D
My richest gain I count but loss
Em G A D
And pour contempt on all my pride

(key of E)
E A E
Forbid it Lord, that I should boast
C#m A B
Save in the death of Christ my God
E A E
All the vain things that charm me most
C#m A B
I sacrifice them to His blood

See, from His head, His hands, His feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

Were the whole realm of nature mine
That were a present far too small
Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all

________________________________________
©
CCLI# 2648981

2007-04-07T22:39:00.001-07:00

HE IS RISEN INDEED!

Life lessons

2007-04-03T09:35:00.000-07:00

My Dad recently told my mom that, "Ministry is really a series of mishaps with a few extraordinary events mixed in." I have been thinking about that and I think that is LIFE.

The surprising thing about spring

2007-03-29T06:32:00.000-07:00

VII.
I HIDE myself within my flower,
That wearing on your breast,
You unsuspecting, wear me too—
And angels know the rest.

I hide myself within my flower,
That, fading from your vase,
You unsuspecting, feel for me
Almost a loneliness.

-- Emily Dickinson

Music. That is what I have decided I love about spring. Everything sings. Birds, of course, but so do the trees and the rain and the bullfrogs outside my window (they are really princes waiting for me to kiss them but I am pretending they are just frogs) and then there are the flowers and the bugs and... maybe it is just because I am so full of JOY! (Thanks Kyrsten for praying that!) My mom told me that one of the words for joy in the Bible literally translated means, “defiant.” Defiant joy. I like that. It is not being fake or dishonest. It is making a choice to trust that God is faithful to His promises and like Paul exhorted in Philippians 4, we truly do not need be anxious about anything. What a happy thought. Like Peter Pan it gives me freedom to fly. Not physically of course. But the kind of flying that is called freedom.

I bought a red mug for myself today. I was waiting for the oil to be changed in my car and wandered around the store not planning to get anything. I have wanted a simple red coffee mug for a while. I have been comparing different ones for weeks. The right mug is very important. It not only needs to look right but feel right. I held this one for a while and pretended there was Earl Gray tea inside. It passed the test. Only a dollar seventy five too (Jordan, you would be proud). I am drinking Earl Gray con leche this very minute and listening to the crooning voice of Michael Buble (I call him Mr. Bubble but his voice makes up for his funny name). And I am reading two books at the same time, well three actually. Well, just two. One isn’t really a book because it is a collection of poems by Emily Dickenson. I am reading my Bible, of course, and I am also reading A Severed Wasp by Madeleine L’Engle. She is a different sort of writer.

I love spring break. I don’t feel one bit guilty about reading so much and enjoying my second cup of tea today and writing this blog and sleeping and being lazy in the sun and talking for hours on the phone to friends who are far away.

Spring break. Spring. I have been so surprised by this spring. I have been trying to decide if that happens to me every spring. Maybe every winter I forget how green, how pink, how blue March is. I love spring. I love my new camera too. And I love having friends who know some things about cameras. Thanks Christine for the tips on how to use mine.

Dad, I took the bug picture for you! Mom and Danelle, the romantic smelling the flower pic was for you guys! Danelle, the picture of Mr. Darcy is pre-hair cut. He still looks very handsome of course, now he is just a little more humble.

XXXIV.
The daisy follows soft the sun,
And when his golden walk is done,
Sits shyly at his feet.
He, waking, finds the flower near.
“Wherefore, marauder, art thou here?
“Because, sir, love is sweet!”

We are the flower, Thou the sun!
Forgive us, if as days decline,
We nearer steal to Thee, -
Enamored of the parting west,
The peace, the flight, the amethyst,
Night’s possibility!

-- Emily Dickinson

When it snows in March

2007-03-20T21:34:00.000-07:00

"When this is all over, you will not regret having suffered. Rather, you will regret having suffered so little and having suffered so little so badly."
-- Sebastian Valfar

For those of you who know me a little and know me well, I am not an unhappy person. When I run into something unhappy I try very hard to make it happy or find something about it to be happy about. Being happy is good. I am learning that there is a happiness that weeps. It is a joy that is deeper than a smile. It is joy that comes from making a choice to trust that God is good, loving, faithful... even if it snows in March.

I am walking through a season of being sweetly broken. Broken by the reality of who God is and that He would love me when I am so undeserving. That He is faithful when I am full of empty promises. That He is love when I am selfish. That He is mercy when I am broken.

I was sitting in one of my favorite coffee corners downtown and just sitting in what God has been teaching me and I wrote this little poem (if you can really call it poetry). I am just kind of undone right now by God's amazing love. And though it snows in March, though my eyes are weary from studying for my physiology exam, though there is little gas in my car, and though I am having a bad hair day... YET, echoing Habakkuk 3, I will REJOICE in my God my Savior and my Lord Jesus Christ and choose JOY that smiles from the heart.

Sweet tears of the broken sparrow
whose wing is crumpled and torn
who knows not what lies in the morrow
softly beats the heart tired and worn

sweet tears of the broken sparrow
whose soul gazes into clear blue sky
like a steady river her tears flow by
the deepest of sorrow sobbed in her goodbye

sweet tears of the broken sparrow
alone and dying in the valley of her shame
shadows deepen as the sun sinks low
the rosy blush matching her own crimson stain

sweet tears of the broken sparrow
her body shudders and small eyes flutter
but around her gray body a light begins to glow
and this time joy causes her heart to stutter

sweet tears of the broken sparrow
they pool and water the ground beneath her
the reason hers are sweet that fall so slow
it is because He is crying with her

sweet tears of the broken sparrow
sheltered beneath wide angel wings
devine love melts away her sorrow
who can begin to fathom such mysterious things

sweet tears of the broken sparrow
mixing with great God tears
if He sees the short life of this little sparrow
how much more does He see my tears

"In the Jungle the Lion Sleeps Tonight"

2006-08-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

My dad and I drove Elin to the airport this morning and I said goodbye. I didn't cry of course. In a few days it will hit me and I might cry in the shower. It was a two hour ride home from the airport and so while my dad and I chatted I was surfing the radio stations for something to listen to. For those of you who don't know this, I happen to LOVE the song "In the Jungle, the Mighty Jungle" by the Nylons. Don't really know why. I almost clapped my hands I was so excited when I stumbled upon it. Cruising along I-70 my dad and I sang along... "In the village the peaceful villiage, the lion sleeps tonight..." I think I like it for the same reason I like Christmas music so much. Happiness. Joy. Laughter. Friendship. Life. I feel all those things when I listen to it.

Saying hello to amazing friends is like listening to "In the Jungle, the Mighty Jungle." I have been so blessed with some incredible true friends (my family included). Goodbyes... they aren't so happy. But there is the thrill of searching for the next hello and being surprised on a lonely Missouri road.

(the pic is Danelle and Elin and I being completely amazed by a random hail storm at the Grand Canyon... I am posting it because it is one of those moments... Happiness. Joy. Laughter. Friendship. Life.)

"He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land"

2006-07-29T12:01:00.000-07:00

"The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." Isaiah 58:11

We had joked that we might not make it alive through the desert on our way from Colorado to Los Angeles. But as we drove through the "sun-scorched land" and passed signs titled "Death Valley" and "Valley of Fire" our joking became a little nervous. The air blowing into our R.V. felt like a blowdryer on the highest heat setting. We sweated as much water as we drank and had to stop repeatedly along the highway to let the boiling radiator cool. Elin and Danelle and I gazed out at the dry and barren land and wondered what could possibly entice people to live in this horrible part of the country.

"You know," I joked, "the desert is a special place to God. He is always calling people out into the desert to speak to them and teach them." Looking out into the colorless horizon I couldn't think beyond the suffocating heat; dwelling on something spritual was beyond any of us in the mid-day sun. Not that we didn't pray though. We had begun a habit of having someone pray every time we stopped and started. With the car continually overheating and forcing us to take breaks, we had plenty of opportunities to pray.

I prayed that the sun would go down. I will never forget looking out and seeing the deep red and pink of the sun painting the rugged mountain range. Suddenly, a colorless and ugly piece of earth was transformed into something otherworldy and altogether... beautiful. It was a raw and untamed beauty. It is so easy to make God so cozy and approachable. There is an untamed side of God though that completely scares me and attracts me. Maybe that is why God calls people into the desert. He wants to show them a terribly wonderful side of himself.

This morning I read out of Isaiah and just praised God that we made it through the upwards of 115 degree heat. Staying at Justin Baker's house (intern from Ecaudor) we are refreshed and "all of our needs have been satisfied." As I write, Tully and Danelle are swimming in the pool outside, and the rest of us are relaxing and hanging out.

I can't even begin to fill you in on all of our adventures since we left Missouri. We visted the Saylors in Colorado and were treated to an incredible day hike in Estes Park and lots of good food (compliments of Aunt Reatha).

Yesterday we camped near the Grand Canyon and explored the North Rim. Pictures don't do something like that justice. Neither do words. We have been so blessed and privileged to see some of God's most awesome creation.

Above is a selection of pictures from our exciting roadtrip.

Pictures from South Carolina

2006-07-21T12:25:00.000-07:00

A Summer of EVENTYR (that means "adventure" in Norwegian)

2006-07-21T11:41:00.000-07:00

Our adventures began with Chelsea having the "bright" idea of exploring the family land in the middle of 97degree heat! So Elin, being the brave soul she is, followed Chelsea down into the woods and inside the infamous hollow tree!! Dripping with sweat we crawled through cobwebs and poison-ivy (not to mention spiders)! The view from the top of the tree was worth the "blod-slit" (blood and sweat)!!

Breakfast on the run... Sunday on our way to church we stopped and had breakfast at with Lydia!

Shopping is a must!! What interesting things we found! Get ready Norwegian friends for some "special" gifts! =)

Despite the excitement of Columbia, MO, we prepared for our 15hr drive to South Carolina to see fellow capers! We drove two days and spent two nights in S.C! Completely worth it to see friends and hear how their year has been! We played Silent football, went swimming, talked, ate good southern cookin'(thanks to Mrs Byers), talked some more, and relaxed in the hammock! It was too short, but oh so very sweet!

Jordan and Danelle (Chelsea's younger brother and sister) joined us and helped drive and keep us awake! Danelle even gave the weary drivers back massages! She can come on a roadtrip any time!!=)

We are now back in Columbia, Mo but not for long! Sunday we take off for California! But praise God, we have air-conditioning (we didn't think we would at first)! Elin just told me that I had better explain to the Norwegians that the dessert, which we will be driving accross, is very, very hot! Upwards of 150 degrees F (which is about.. ummmm... 48 degrees C)!!!

the adventure

2006-06-27T15:25:00.000-07:00

Someone told me that life is what happens in the in between moments. I beg to differ. It happens in every moment. We visted an older couples' house last night and "Mama" Lou told me, "isn't it so exciting being a Christian? You never know what is going to happen next or what God is going to do!!" That is the attitude I want to have when I am 80! I know I don't have to wait until then to find out though! Life is never boring!

So what is happening?

Ecuador lost to England. I am very deprpressed. My family is crushed.

I am working from 8am to 3pm as a secretary and spending the rest of the time with my family that has just arrived from Ecuador! And friends I am squeezing in between!Sleep? Completely overrated!

Elin arrives the 15th of July (I can hardly wait) and my family and I are currently juggling dates so that Elin and I can drive down to SC to see the southern gang before our roadtrip with my family to California!(hmmm... after thought, Elin, I need to call you!!!)

In just a little bit I am going to be running off to a summer Bible study with some friends from Mizzou (uni)

I just finished reading Hinds Feet on High Places and you need to read it. Yes, I am talking to YOU!

Oh, Jordan (my brother) got his drivers liscence yesterday! Wahoo, we have been practicing in my car... well, we practiced twice and we forgot parallel parking but he did awesome!!!

the pics... as random as this post and in no particular order: Jord and his girl-friend Violeta: Danelle and Jordan: Super mom- a tribute to a very cool mom who I am very happy to have back! Super dad soon to be following!!!!

summer days

2006-06-13T14:19:00.000-07:00

my body feels so old right this second. could it have something to do with the late hour i fell into bed? maybe it is all the responsibility i carry on my little shoulders with house hunting for my family, work, bills, and school? maybe it was that 3 foot hole we dug at 3:30 a.m. two nights ago or possibly those giant rocks we pushed up the hill? no, i am pretty sure it was that addicting x-box game that joe conned me into playing with him last night. i think i pulled a muscle in my finger from pushing that little shooting button so many times. of course getting up and going to work and being forced to stay inside on such an incredible day could be a factor. it is probably all in my head i am sure. you know what i really miss? i miss summer days when i was 8 years old and the gang was all still around. i miss staying outside until dark fighting neighborhood wars and building indian forts and chasing the ice-cream truck man. i miss being barefoot and wearing my favorite pair of jean shorts with that hole in the back that nobody minded because i was only 8 years old. the second has passed. all of a sudden i remember some things i don't miss. nap time. eating all the peas on my plate and getting spanked because i snuck some to the dog under the table. curfew. tucking my shirt in. okay. so i really do like being 20. i like going salsa dancing at the spanish fly. i like being able to take weekend roadtrips with friends. i like hanging out downtown in the district. i like my university. i like driving. i am sorry if you read through this blog hoping for a punch line or a deep thought. there is none. i am totally rambling. summer days. you know, i really like summer days. even in missouri where the humidity turns my hair to springs and melts you into the sidewalk. even when i have to go to work. i meant to stop this like ten sentences ago but my fingers are on auto-type or something and just keep writing as the thoughts float through my mind. spiderwebbing. that is what girls do. one thought leads to another and that thought leads to another. fascinating. i like summer days.

I got lost in my own backyard!

2006-06-08T19:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I am not the best with directions but this was worse then getting lost in Venice! Two of my amazing friends from Highschool and fellow Mk's came to visit me for a week and I talked them into going on a midnight adventure. We decided to go see the big hollow tree in our lower meadow. We (Aunt Gracie,cousin Joe, friends David, Claire, Johanna and Bo the dog) felt like explorers as we hiked through the overgrown Missouri forest and into the marsh. My Grandpa owns about 127 acres next to some very big chunks of pure land. It is easy to get lost in the day when you hit the back forty. Let's just say that we more than got lost. I felt like I was in another world as we trudged through waist deep grass under a bright half moon. The fire-flies illuminated the corners of the meadow and blinking through the fog we were sure we would wake up and discover it was all a dream. By 3am we thought we might have to set up a shelter and wait for day to break! Fortunately, my fearless 50something aunt found a lound marker (an old deer stand of my dad's) and we finally found the creek that leads through our meadow. We arrived home wet, tired, and very dirty but proud of our grand adventure. My poor friends. Missouri woods wasn't the only thing I introduced them to. We picked up a few friends along the way. I don't care how tough you are, even my Jungle raised friend Johanna freaked out about the ticks!!! Unwelcome friends or not the memory was worth the adventure!

2006-06-01T11:32:00.000-07:00

I am thankful

2006-06-01T07:50:00.000-07:00

My June 1st thankful list:

I am thankful that...

1. In 20 days my family will be here in Missouri for a 6 month visit.

2. I can drink water straight out of the tap.

3. My wonderful and amazing friend Elin from Norway joining me for a Douce family adventure driving across the states.

4. My mom prays for me every day.

5. I have a car I whose name is Isaac (because I doubted and God still provided).

6. I have three pillows.

7. That I am going to get to hang out with my amazing friends from highschool next week.

8. My dad taught me how to drive standard.

9. I haven't hit any turtles crossing the road. (I did accidentally run over a possum though.. It was horrible and I don't even like possums... I cried for it.)

10. My brother Jordan is going to university in Missouri this year.

11. My little sister Danelle and I can share a room this semester.

12. God loves me... I mean really loves me.

13. When Joe and I kicked a soccer ball around my feet remembered how to play.

14. My friend Lydia has a hot tub that we can relax in after a long day at work.

15. The Holy Spirit convicts me.

16. I can cry.

17. I have a new bottle of bath and body works coconut lime verbena lotion.

18. Coffee never loses its flavor.

19. The Bible is more than just instruction... It is a love letter.

20. Ice cream tastes so good in the summer.

21. Laughing burns calories.

22. I have a freckle on my lip.

23. My little brother Tully thinks I am cool.

24. My car gets such good gas mileage.

25. My Italian family and home-away-from-home love me and protect me.

26. It is warm enough out that I can wear sandals and when no one is looking go barefoot.

27. Flowers are in full bloom.

28. The Wipperwill outside my window is my friend.

29. Being 20 is so much fun.

30. My hammock can finally be put up outside.

31. I can't remember the last time I broke a nail.

32. I can talk to random strangers in Wallmart. And they don't stay strangers.

33. Clouds make such interesting shapes.

34. Missouri has such beautiful sunsets.

35. I bought a hymn book at a garage sale and Aunt Gracie has been teaching me the good ol' songs.

36. My cowboy boots look so cool.

37. I found an old guitar in the basement and serenaded my friends the birds the other night because they always sing to me.

39. Jessica has such a fun sense of humor.

40. My friends love me even when I don't write or call.

41. We have hot running water and I can take as long as I want in the shower.

42. Christine will talk theology with me.

43. My dad is so cool. Both of them.

44. I have only been attacked by one tick the whole year.

45. My cell phone gets reception from my room. Usually.

46. My mom calls me every week and we talk and laugh.

47. High heels are so much fun.

48. I have such hilarious dreams.

49. Life is never, ever dull when you abandon yourself to God's plan.

50. I could do this all day.

welcome summer

2006-05-16T09:22:00.000-07:00

So, yes, it has been a little while. However, school is officially done and I have surfaced this weekend to breath deeply of the sweet summer air and taste the beautiful freedom of a chemistry-sociology-algebra-ethics-english-less life! I am so strangely happy! I am happy about going to work. I am happy doing the dishes. I am happy walking through the rain. I am happy paying bills (just kidding). I am happy. Saturday morning (not too early of course) I got up and sat on my deck with out moving for the longest time. I didn't look at my watch, I left my phone inside, I just closed my eyes and felt the wind. Those are the kind of moments that I lose myself in. My "moment" was interrupted by a loud buzzing and I opened my eyes to be confronted by a furious ruby throated humming bird inches from my face. As he bobbed around my nose I could almost hear him yelling at me. I was scared. A little humming bird no bigger then my thumb and he put me in my place. I couldn't help but think of Reepicheep from Narnia. I think he and Mr. humming bird would get along. Just when I was sure he was going to stab me blind I threw up my Bible to protect my face! I tell you what, the Bible is such an amazing book. I have to confess, with my extreme happiness over summer (and the fact that my family is coming to Missouri to visit in less than a month)I am feeling very poetic! Happiness has that effect on me (hmmm... well so does sadness but that is besides the point)! Killer humming birds or not, I welcome summer!

2006-04-26T11:41:00.000-07:00

"This is what the Lord says: "Heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool. Could you build me a temple as good as that? Could you build me such a resting place? My hands have made both heaven and earth; they and everything in them are mine." Is. 66:1-2a

ah, yes, the product rule!

2006-04-21T11:52:00.000-07:00

Yes Elin, we aare both are just too much in demand to have time to write in our blogs. Actually, maybe you are miss popular but I have to confess that I have just basically been a nerd. Two more weeks of classes and then finals week and school has even taken over my dreams!! Wednesday morning I woke up doing logarithms in my sleep! I literally woke up saying to myself, "ah, yes, the product rule!" LOL!

2006-04-04T07:17:00.000-07:00

My dad is in England. Basingstoke (I think that is how you spell it) to be exact. Sigh...

2006-03-24T14:30:00.000-08:00

two words... HAPPY SPRING BREAK... oops, I mean three words!

Late night confessions

2006-03-17T10:15:00.000-08:00

So, I have been reading every single book of Ted Dekker that I can get my hands on. It began when I read his book "When Heaven Weeps" a couple of months ago. Last night I started a new book called "Three" and PLANNED on only reading a couple of chapters before falling asleep! THINK AGAIN!! 2am in the morning I closed the book on the last chapter and opened up my Bible to Romans 9. I won't tell you the plot because you have to read it for yourself (and be kept up till 2 in the morning like me) but you can find a template for the story in Romans where Paul talks about the battle between Good and Evil and ourself caught in the middle. We can't do it alone. I can't do it alone. So, all by myself (and yet not alone) in the 'wee' hours of the morning I confessed again to God how DESPERATELY I need Jesus in my life to help me fight the battle.

This morning, I sat in my Aunt and Uncle's big green chair and drank TWO big cups of coffee and... I have to tell you, there is such JOY in coffee.. ha! ha! I know that is not what you expected me to say! But really, sitting and sipping coffee and hanging out with the Lover of my Soul... what could be a better finish to my long morning that began with a cry for God to draw near? He does draw near. He joined me for a cup (two cups) of coffee.

Bonhoeffer: one of my heros

2006-03-14T15:39:00.000-08:00

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the great Christian philosopher, grappled with question of identity in his poem, “Who Am I?”:

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I know of myself,
restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
trembling with anger at despotisms and petty humiliation,
tossing in expectation of great events,
powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I?

They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, thou knowest, O God, I am thine.

Storms Missouri Style

2006-03-13T14:40:00.000-08:00

I have always had this love for storms... and not just any storms but thunderstorms Missouri style! This weekend I experienced some of the most terrific storms. All day yesterday we were pounded with multiple storm super-cells that brought with them softball size hail and tornados a 1/2 mile wide!
My cousin and his wife drove out for dinner just before the storm really hit and they parked their car a mile away in our barn to protect it from the coming storm. Worried they wouldn't be able to walk to the house before the hail hit they called me! My cousin Joe and I jumped in my little Nissan and sped up the gravel road racing the black clouds. The big drops started to become loud and suddenly they turned icy! I pulled up and Matt and Ashley jumped in as the hail began to come down in full force. I was laughing so hard and could hardly see through the white storm as I whipped around corners and pulled under a tree near my aunt and uncle's house. Running with coats over our heads into the house we made it with only a few welts. Poor Ashley was crying but the boys and me were like "lets do that again!!!"

the dangers of snow dancing

2006-02-28T14:10:00.000-08:00

When I went home for Christmas I took fake snow in a can... you know the spray stuff? So, Danelle and Tully and I had on Christmas music and we were all excited and I was shaking up the can and I got a little too excited and started doing a snow dance. Unfortunately, my snow dance needs a little practice because I busted my lip open... lots of blood, lots of laughter and of course I almost passed out. Very exciting.

Well, my lip slowly began to heal until two weeks ago when the little knot on the inside of my lip began to GROW! I was mortified... no one is EVER going to kiss me I wailed to one of my friends. She encouraged me, don't worry Chelsea, you could always botox the other side of your lip and have sexy pouty lips. Hmmmmmmm... well, I decided I had better go to the doctor and after a string of nurses and finally doctors looking at my lip and wanting to hear about my snow dance (one even asked for a demonstration) that caused the injury I was sent to see a specialist. So today I finally got to see the ENT (ears nose throat doc... but I guess lumpy lips are included) and luckily HE knew what was going on. He said it was a classic case of an injury obstructing a saliva gland... so my lip is swelling with saliva... GROSS!! :) Appearently my lip was so interesting that a whole string of residents and interns had to come check it out... young cute interns I might add... anything for the betterment of science!

So the moral of the story. If you are going to snow dance, make sure you know what you are doing. Ulitmately, my lopsided lip has just been a reminder to me that I am human; I am not in control. Also, I always used to think that how I look was not that important to me... ya, think again. God used some very lopsided lips to reveal to me how easy it is to take things for granted and actually how easy it is for me to care so much about something as vain as my lips!! All in all, it has been a good lesson in humbleness and a huge dose of hilarity... some things I think I will always need. Oh, pray for me though because Thurs. they are actually going to do minor surgery on my lip... I am hoping I don't pass out! :)

Sunday Afternoon

2006-02-19T16:14:00.000-08:00

So, cookies and coffee and algebra and crazy hair and funny rocker boy with my bobby pin in his hair and strange lesbian woman sitting behind me. And that is just the beginning. Have you ever had just a really weird moment... or a really weird day... try a really weird life! I am not going to lie, it is never dull. I have been spending my afternoon here at my lovely favorite downtown coffee shop and despite the inturuptions, rocker boy is asking me now how his hair looks... cute? I have managed to get done everything I set out to do. What a good feeling. The kind of feeling that tastes almost as good as this oatmeal raisin cookie I am eating.

Lady Lydia's Saloon

2006-02-12T15:23:00.000-08:00

So, one of my best Missouri friends (Lydia) decided to turn 21 and her mom asked me to help throw her a party... no one ever told me how crazy being in charge of a crazy big party would be!! However, last night, despite my concerns, we had some crazy wild west fun! (Lydia is the stunning saloon girl in green... I don't understand how Lydia's picture got to be so small... sigh... I wish I could talk to my computer!! Well, come to think of it, I DO talk to my computer... it just never listens!!)

Mizzou

2006-02-10T11:03:00.000-08:00

Ya, I am not going to lie, I like my campus.

sigh...

2006-02-10T10:59:00.000-08:00

need I say anything?? :)

Winter windy blues and gray hairs...

2006-02-09T10:08:00.000-08:00

I really do love curling up in my pj's and wrapping my hands around a big hot cup of coffee. I like turning some of my Christmas Blue Grass and diving into one of my favorite books. I love being warm inside and out and watching the snow fall gently outside. THAT is what I would LOVE TO DO!! However, I think my cheeks got frostbit today! And I am pretty sure that the cold has frosted my hair white! LITERALLY! The wonderful irony is that in the midst of pushing agianst the wind whipping through campus, I have been memorizing Is. 46:4. "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and I will rescue you!" So there I am complaining to God about how this weather was turning me white and aging me in slow freezing degrees... and he (God) says to me! Ya, well even then Chelsea, I am carring you. Sigh, whining to God is never a very good idea because he always has a very good answer. :)

Happy Wednesday!

2006-01-25T11:36:00.000-08:00

Happy Wednesday everyone! Sometimes Wednesdays are the hardest days for me because I feel like I am stuck right in the middle of the week... sea-sawing between monday and the weekend. At work today I had to force myself not to watch the clock; and in my Algebra class equations melted into butterflys and bumblebees. So, I am going to fight back. In the face of overwhelming middleness I am going to actually ENJOY my Wednesday. It is a particularily sunny day in my part of the world and I just finished eating a tasty grilled chicken sandwich and if I listen hard enough I think I even hear birds chirping... oh, wait! I am in the library! Well, I am still very happy that it is Wednesday and in my enthusiasm and newfound passion for Wednesday, I wanted to wish all of YOU a very happy one as well! :)

Beach memories...

2006-01-23T11:36:00.000-08:00

These are late I know but I didn't have time to put them up before and I am in a 'missing my family and the beach mood' and I thought I would post some of my captured memories. Most of the pics are of a little cove my dad decided would be fun to explore! It WAS fun, despite rising tide and caves full of bats and surprise boas... or maybe IN SPITE OF! Nothing like near death experiences to make make you thankful just to be ALIVE when the new year rolls around!

Goodness from NORWAY!

2006-01-23T11:29:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a little while (I am sorry Daveo) and there is just so much to post... but before I can post ANYTHING I have to say that ELIN is coming to see me this summer! I am not sure exact dates yet but somewhere between July 15 and Aug. 15!! We are talking about taking a road trip to see people... maybe head down California way! We hear their is a wedding happening! It will be an adventure that is for sure!! Two blonde girls driving accross America... one is from Norway and the other isn't completely sure where she is from! What does all this craziness equal!? Lots and lots and lots of laughter! I have to say that Elin is basically AMAZING!! My cousins (my Italian boy cousins) are pretty excited too!

the weeping room of my heart

2006-01-10T18:08:00.000-08:00

being the world traveler that I am goodbyes are as common as ordering coffee... and I pretend that it is just as easy. I have a confession to make. I miss people... a lot. I used to feel bad about feeling bad because I felt guilty considering how blessed I am. For everywhere I go God gives me the most incredible friends. I have met some amazing people. I say goodbye to amazing people all the time. I just said goodye to 5 of the most special people in the world. My family. My dad, who lives life on the edge seeking God and loving people, is one of the most incredible people I have ever met. My mom, I can count how many times I have seen her angry and I am so blessed to call her my friend. Jordan, my big little brother who is tender to the heart of God and strong in who he is... and not afraid to talk 'girl talk!' Danelle... I miss you so much! My sister who is so beautiful and so much fun! My room is now empty without you. Tully, who would have thought that a 12 year old could be so charming!? I miss playing lagos with you. And that is just the beginning. My heart misses Johanna and her quiet beauty. Claire you are so strong and so much fun. Ana.. need I say more!? Mary, your sweetness is contagious. Oh Alliance Academy. Conor, you just make me smile. Mimi, so full of life. Anabela... Alaina... Pifer.. Mike... Mark... Mila... Elin, so full of God and laughter. Remember morning walks and deep prayer? Oh capernwray people. Jeff, I miss your hugs. Sarah H., I miss your wisdom and contagious peace. Andrew I miss your craziness. Jesse I miss your willingness to open up. Kim, you are just adorable. Liana... chocolate and late night talks. Daveo, you are just amazing. Seriously. Ariyl, you are so sweet. Jimmy, i miss your thoughtfulness. Justin, I just miss you. Stephanie, I miss your laughter. Josh, I miss your smile. J and John and Anna and Helga. Bethany, sigh, mi buen amiga. Dawn... ha, ha.. i really miss you. Beka.. man... where I you? Ben, why is california so far away? Beth and Marisa and jon and Sophi and Kellen and Bridget and Gunnar. Stephen, you know i miss you. Janice and Merideth and Brent and Chelsea and your faces keep haunting me... welcome to the weeping room of my heart. There are so many more names and faces and places. I can't remember some peoples names and can't spell most (problem most Missionary kids struggle with) but you are all a part of my heart. Seriously, I haven't even named a quarter of the people who have impacted me and left their fingerprints on my life. Maybe you understand why I hate goodbyes with a passion. But something has happened to me. I have discovered that all along there was someone whom I have NEVER had to say goodbye to. He holds my hand. He holds my heart. He weeps with me in the weeping room. I am learning that I am supposed to weep. I am not supposed to pretend. But there is also a healing that I didn't know about. That is why I am sharing all of this with you. The more I weep and invite Jesus to weep with me for my hurt... other's hurt... the world's hurt... the more I am filled. You would think wouldn't you that the weeping would drain you. Well it used to. When I hid it. Now it is like there is this big hole in my head and yes, the pain is exposed, you all know about my weeping room, but that huge hole on top of my head also opens me up to soaking up so much more. More love, more hope, more peace, more joy, more friendships, even more pain, but more importantly... more of Jesus. Some of you are still wondering what I would look like with a huge hole in my head... very funny. But for most of you I know you can relate. I have discovered that one thing ALL people have in common is pain. It may be different but it still hurts. I share this from my heart, my weeping heart, Jesus wants to go there with you. Yes, that includes all you manly men who 'don't cry.' :)

Happy New Year!

2005-12-27T05:56:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone! We are taking off for la playa... the beach and won't be back any time soon so I wanted to wish you all a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I know we will certainly usher in the year 2006 with a bang! The boys have been stocking up on explosives... in this part of the world firecrackers truly are sticks with gunpowder! Have I ever told any of you about the three fingered man?? Maybe another time!

This is my little brother Tully and I... he says I really need the beach because I am soooooooooo white! He! he! Anyway... I love you guys and pray that your New Year is full of fun and family and friends and JOY!!!

Amor and besos from the equator!!!

casa dulce casa... home sweet home....

2005-12-21T10:56:00.000-08:00

December 19 I began a familiar flight to Qutio, Ecuador just praying that they would let me land and not rout me to the next biggest city, Guayaquil (like they did last Christmas). The Quito airport is one of the most dangerous aiports to land in and if there is too much fog they put you up in a city 8-9 hrs away for the night! So, we circled and circled until the pilot worried we would run out of gas finally flew to Guayaquil! I almost cried... but as usual, between the balistic screaming child (has anyone heard of English Nanny?) and the drunk man hitting on me in the seat next to me, I began to see the funny side and just laughed!! :)

In typical Ecuadorian fashion we stood in lines for about 2 hrs while they figured out what do with us. Finally I, along with my new friends from Continental flight653, were collected and left at the cities grand hotel! I was escorted to the top floor and left alone in a big room with just a couch! I was like... are you serious!!? They are making me sleep on a couch!!?? Oh, well... so I tried calling Bethany and my parents but the phones were down... imagine that!! :) So, I decided to just get some rest and fixed up the couch into a bed. Then I grabbed my toothbrush and opened the bathroom door to discover another room with a kingsize bed and an entire kitchen... he.. he!! My first thought was, "oh my word, I have just broken into someone elses room!!" Ha! ha! Then I realized that I had been put in one of the hotels suites! Something very new to a poor missionary kid... my blondness might have also had something to do with it!

Finally, I flew in yesterday and almost tripped over my bags I was so excited to see my family! Of course, home felt like... home! I helped my dad hand feed the boa he had rescued and then Tammy, the monkey, escaped into our neighbors yard to steal manogs off their mango tree, and I had to keep my little brother Tully from getting into my bags and seeing Christmas prestents! Still tired but now totally content, I met up with friends and former classmates who were also here for christmas break! As I am writing this, fire-crackers (that sound like big guns) are being blown up outside and the beautiful equatorial sun is beating down! Home sweet home! Their is no place on earth like it!

Did you know that we have 1000 trillian synapses(connections) in our brain!?

2005-12-16T09:10:00.000-08:00

Last night Lyndsey and I went to our fav studying joint to get ready for our Biology final today.

I have never had so much trouble focusing in my entire life! Between work, packing, being excited about going home to Ecuador for Christmas, shopping, last minute goodbyes, Christmas parties, locking my keys in my car, getting lost in the mall, cutting down a Christmas tree and finding a parking place... biology is the LAST thing on my mind! Interestingly, the emphasis of this final is the mind and animal interactions!

This picture was taken after over 2 hours, maybe 3, of studying and I know for a fact that I fried a lot of neurons! The good news is that even if I did kill half my neurons, I still have like 500 trillian circuits up and running! :)

Tis the season...

2005-12-10T11:48:00.000-08:00

Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la la la la la

Tis the season to go hoooome
Fa la la la la la la la la

Tis the season to throw snow balls
Fa la la la la la la la la

Tis the season to slip on ice (and then laugh really hard)
Fa la la la la la la la la

Tis the season to drink egg nog
Fa la la la la la la la la

Tis the season to remember (friends, the love of GOD, family, sledding races)
Fa la la la la la la la la

Tis the season to build a snowman
Fa la la la la la la la la

Tis the season to knit a green scarf
Fa la la la la la la la la

Tis the season catch snowflakes on your tongue
Fa la la la la la la la la

Tis the season to give
Fa la la la la la la la la

Tis the season to be thankful
Fa la la la la la la la la

I am running out of breath
FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Merry Christmas everyone! Can you tell that I love Christmas!?

2005-12-09T09:18:00.000-08:00

This is a much too close picture of me; however it completely captures my absolute amazement with the snow!

I am sure that those of you from Canada, Norway, Iceland, and basically anywhere NORTH are more amazed at my amazement with 4 in. of snow then you guys are with the 4inches!

We must remember that I haven't seen this much snow in over 5yrs and once you have lived in a tropical climate for any length of time it takes some getting used to. I must say though, for all my dislike of being cold... I have to confess that I am in love... with SNOW! I think I am going to write a poem about it.

Let it snow... let it snow... let it snow...

2005-12-09T09:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning I woke up to an almost forgotten memory and in one moment I became a princess in a winter wonderland kingdom. There is something incredible about knowing that I happen to be a daughter of the king who created this beautiful morning.

This is me trying to catch snow flakes... yes I know.... the lack of sun has turned my skin white. However, I happen to believe that it is a natural camaflauge because I blend in really well with the snow.

I love babies... and they love me too!

2005-12-04T19:14:00.000-08:00

This is Kai, my adorible soon to be new cousin! It is quite a unique and complicated but amazing story actually! Augusta, his mother, and her family are renting my house while my family is in Ecuador. I live with my Aunt Gracie and Uncle Tim (+Titino, Shawn, Joe and 3 BIG dogs!) down the road. Well, love was in the air and Shawn and Augusta are getting married this Jan. outside my house! At any rate... Kai is soon to become my... 2nd cousin? And I think he is the cutest thing ever!!! :)

school library

2005-11-30T09:27:00.000-08:00

oh how i love the school library... the smell of old books... the silence... the aroma of coffee... you think i am being funny. I am so serious. this is my favorite place on campus.

2005-11-29T15:35:00.000-08:00

my little big brother Jordan (who is currently participating in a facial hair growing contest) just turned 18 this last weekend... Feliz Birthday little bro!

I give up...

2005-11-28T19:21:00.000-08:00

EVERYONE seemed to be creating blogs and not wanting to be just another one in the crowd I held back... however, the pressure was too strong and I need another outlet... living in a house of boys you find yourself talking to the most interesting things. :)

so here begins my blog adventure... like the rest of my life, who knows where it will take me...